Free Advice by Clyde by Amber Lynn Page A

to host my
greatness.
    You aren’t getting upset about me talking
about myself like I am a super being, are you? You should probably
stop reading now if that kind of thing bothers you because it is
only going to get worse as we go along.
    Moving on, I started things off by just
reading those columns that are normally in the paper and posting
the daily questions with my answers. Yes, I know it is odd to find
that a Hellhound is capable of reading a newspaper, but if you got
over the fact that I can use the Internet, that shouldn’t be a
stumbling block.
    I have found it a little odd that my answers
to the letters never matches those Dear So and So people, but I
chalk that up to them not knowing what is really going on in the
world. I like to think I am a cultured Hellhound and my advice is
something the normal humanoid can take and implement with ease.
    Take my first response as an example, here
is what someone wrote:
    Dear ____,
    We recently moved into our house and the
next door neighbors are starting to drive us insane. They were
close to the previous owners and according to the neighbors those
owners allowed them to come over and sit on the patio whenever they
wanted. I have walked out a couple of times to enjoy the sunset in
peace and found them both eating dinner on my patio. We have asked
them to stop and they have just smiled and nodded, but they
continue to show up unexpectantly. I don’t want to be the mean
neighbor that calls the cops on them for trespassing, but it is
getting to the point that I think it may be necessary.
    What can I do?
    Frustrated in Milwaukee
    I won’t say who the letter was addressed to,
but they gave some silly advice that I doubt will get things done.
It is people like these neighbors that you really have to show who
is boss or they will just walk all over you.
    This was my response:
    Dear Frustrated,
    Are you an idiot? I mean, really, how hard
is it to put your foot down? I have a couple of different ideas
that you would be smart to follow.
    First, if you don’t want people showing up
unexpectantly you need to mark your territory. Walk around your
property and mark it like you own it. It is always best to do this
when the wind is blowing in their direction to make sure they can
get a good whiff, so plan accordingly. That alone has always been
enough for me, but if they have had their senses of smell removed,
read on.
    My second method of getting rid of the
weirdoes has to do with the city you claim to be living in. I did a
search and found your town has the nickname of Beer Town, amongst
other beer and brew names. If your town is known for beer there
should be tons of empty cans littering the streets. This idea
should not only work, but also be great for the environment. Go
around and gather these empty cans and build yourself a wall out of
them. Problem solved. You could even paint them if you wanted it to
be a decorative wall.
    Other quick solutions would be: get a fence
and a big lock for said fence or move your ass to a different
neighborhood because this one ain’t for you. I would recommend
killing them and burying their bodies in their backyard, but since
you had to write for advice in the first place, I bet you are too
big of a pansy to carry that one out.
    Clyde
    I posted that response a month or so ago and
daily since then I have either answered other newspaper questions
or ones that are now being sent to me personally. The range of
comments I receive go from people wanting me to come live with them
and help with their problems to those who are trying to convince me
to go to church and save myself.
    Note to the latter group of people: I am a
Hellhound, you have to be completely crazy to think me walking into
a church is going to go over well. I have a few angel friends I can
send in my place though. I bet that would make your church really
popular.
    So, I am getting around twenty requests for
help a day now and I try to post and respond to each of them on my
site. These people