Free Advice by Clyde by Amber Lynn Page B

really need my help, so it would be practically
criminal for me not to assist. Take this email for instance...
    “Clyde, Nyx wants to see you pronto,” my
friend Jake yells while he pounds on my door. That figures they
won't give me a few hours to write this important stuff down.
    I am just happy I learned how to lock the
doors and convinced them that a Hellhound door was needed. Now,
they can't just come barging in whenever they feel like it. We had
a few awkward moments before the lock was put in place.
    Without Nyx around, Jake won't be able to
hear any reply I could attempt to give him, so I jump out of my
chair and push through my door. In case you are wondering, I wrote
this next part when I got back to my computer. I wanted to give you
all an idea of what I have to put up with every day. A visit with
Nyx is something that needs to be experienced like it is happening
while you are reading, so we are going to continue in the present
tense even though it happened a while ago. Maybe now you'll be able
to see why I sometimes consider moving in with those people asking
me for advice.
     

Chapter 2
    Punishment is a very long four-letter
word
    On our way to wherever Nyx is currently
hiding in this huge apartment, Jake talks nonstop. Sometimes I am
pretty sure he forgets I cannot say anything back to him. I have
asked Mom to look into that, but she for some reason keeps
developing deafness when I ask for a spell that makes everyone hear
me.
    “So, me and Jonas were sparring yesterday
and I think I finally spotted his weakness. I haven't been able to
beat him, yet, but I saw he leaves an opening on his body when he
goes for a left hook. If I can just be fast enough to get in there,
I think I will finally have an advantage.”
    I don't care if he saw the broadside of a
barn open up on Jonas, the boy isn't going to ever beat the
superior fighter. Maybe in thirty years when Jake is closer to his
prime and Jonas may be coming off of his, but even then it probably
won't happen.
    I believe he is leading me towards the
kitchen, which works out well because I am getting a little hungry.
The kitchen isn't easy for me to break into, but I am sure Nyx
won't mind feeding her poor, defenseless, or opposable thumbless,
dog.
    “I wouldn't be so sure about that,” Mommy
says as we enter the room. “I think we need a few minutes to talk
alone, Jake.”
    The coward quickly turns tail and runs out
of the room from the tone of Nyx's voice. It isn't even the worse
one I have heard and he runs. What a dork. I am a little surprised
to find Her Highness alone. That pretty much never happens.
    “What can I do for you today, Mother?” I ask
as I walk closer to the fridge. I hope she gets the idea and takes
out a couple of steaks for me.
    “I'll feed you when I am done, but we need
to talk about this advice column thing first,” she replies and I
give her my patented 'I don't know what you are talking about'
look.
    This has me worried that the humanoids are
paying way more attention than I thought they were. I hope they
didn't find out about me humping a fluffy stuffed duck I found
lying around the other day. It was just the right firmness
to...well you get the idea. I couldn't help myself.
    “How do you think I am running this advice
column? That would seem difficult for someone from my species to
pull off.” I am still trying to pull off innocence. I imagine it
will be short lived, but I can try.
    “I'm not an idiot. Sebastian monitors
everyone's computer activity to make sure we don't have any forces
working against us. You have met the man before, so that shouldn't
come as a shock to you.” She hops up on to the counter and starts
swinging her legs. “I actually think the stuff is kind of funny,
but the guys' legal team doesn't share that sense of humor. They
want you to put up more warnings around the site. You need to make
sure before people even enter that they can see the site is just
for fun and the advice given shouldn't be taken