Free Advice by Clyde by Amber Lynn

Chapter 1
    A star was born
    I hear backstories are things people like to
read, but before we get into any of that, I need to set a few
ground rules. Some of you will probably already know who I am, if
you are smart you will anyway. My name is Clyde, my species is
Hellhound, and I tend to believe I am amazing.
    That is why I think you need to read about
my life. I am a busy Hellhound, so don't expect me to write a long
memoir about my relatively short life. I am saving the good details
for the blockbuster movie coming out next spring. I am hoping they
don’t mind me playing myself because I haven’t been able to find
another canine as good looking as yours truly.
    On that subject, another thing you should
know going into this is I am a distant, like next galaxy distant,
relative of the human companion species that looks relatively like
me. That means that I don't necessarily think like a humanoid and
you may find some of the things I say to be offensive.
    My response to any complaints? Tough
titties.
    With those little facts out of the way, I am
ready to tell you a bit more about myself.
    Last I checked I am still under one-year-old
and the size of a small pony. I have only ever seen a full-size
horse in person, but after looking at the dimensions online, I
think I could be compared to a Shetland pony.
    My parents are, obviously, both Hellhounds.
My mom's name is Pepa and last I knew she had grown her second
head. Dad, also known as Hermes, is a stud and has all three of his
heads. I still have a number of years before I can even dream about
getting my second, but I do neck exercises daily to prepare. I have
been told the added weight can be a little daunting at first.
    My first owner, Ben the Amazing, as I like
to call him, decided to gift me to the woman he was hoping to make
annoying children with. I wasn't sure if I liked the idea of going
home with her, she smelled a little too floral for my liking when
we first met. However, I learned that she was a sucker early on and
now I am living the good life. As long as I don't tell her she
smells like lilacs, I think she will let me keep my balls.
    Nyx is a mom that likes to think she is in
charge of everything, but let's face it, she has so many people
around her vying for her affections that she is being guided in
most of her decisions. I don't mind and I refuse to voice my
concerns on the subject, since more often than not it works out in
my favor.
    Anyway, I live with her and her entourage
now and life couldn't be more perfect. I have even managed to make
a career for myself, although, I don't get paid for it, yet. See, I
am a quick study and it only took me a few times watching over
shoulders to figure out how to use the Internet.
    I have to say the Internet is one of the
best things ever created besides maybe the cow. I have spent hours,
okay maybe days, on search engines and I have to say that I am
pretty close to knowing everything there is to know.
    I decided to take that knowledge and create
my own webpage offering advice for others. I know, it is a
brilliant idea and everyone reading this has flocked to their
closest computer or smart phone to search me out. I will sit around
and wait for you to come back. Oh, you just made a note to check it
out later? Great, let's continue on about me.
    I do most of my advice giving from the
comforts of my room, so the humanoids don't question why I am
spending so much time at the computer. So far, other than noticing
a few purchases none of them made for me, they haven't figured it
out. They tend to be rather clueless when it comes to my
deviousness. I don’t understand why that is. I mean I am a
Hellhound; it kind of comes with the territory.
    The website has been doing pretty good so
far. I have received over fifty letters from hopeless saps out
there wanting to find help. Traffic looks to be going up every hour
as word gets out about my amazing advice giving skills. Before
long, I will have to be looking for some bigger servers