Free Letters From The Ledge by Lynda Meyers

that’s how the world works Paige, but did Kevin really tell you to do whatever it takes? Whatever that slime ball wants ?" The monster inside him was fully awake now–fully alert. He could feel blind rage rising up from some deep place, threatening to take control. He fought it back as best he could, but let go of Paige in the process and started pacing around the apartment. "I don’t like where this is going. It sounds too much to me like politics and dirty pool. He doesn’t expect–I mean, not that you would ever–but…"
    "Nate, calm down. I don’t think he wants me to sleep with him, if that’s what you’re worried about." His head shot up. "I was kidding! Listen, that’s ridiculous. Kevin would never in a million years expect that. Besides, the man may be a letch but I can take care of myself Nate! Or have you forgotten?"
    "No. I haven’t forgotten. You think I could forget? It haunts me every day–every second that I’m not with you. And I hate to break it to you Paige, but that wasn’t taking care of yourself. That was luck, pure and simple. You kicked and you screamed and they ran and you lived." His voice was spraying sparks like a downed power line and she ignited. He knew better. He watched her mind turn away.
    "How do you know what I did? You weren’t there!" Paige dropped down to the floor and sat with her back against the cabinets, wrapping her arms around her knees. She started to rock. She started to cry.
    "Paige, I’m sorry." He held out his hand toward her. "Please, don’t– "
    Her voice went monotone, her eyes lost in some faraway memory. "Go away Nate. I don’t want to talk to you right now."
    "Please don’t pull away from me Paige. Don’t go to that place. I don’t know how to get you back from there."
    She looked at him through pools of deep green tears behind which he faced a solid brick wall. "I said go!"
    Nate put on his coat and waited, willing her to look at him. "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up."
    She was already gone.
    __________
    The memories always seemed to hit like a flash flood. They came out of nowhere and buried all her senses under muddy water until she couldn’t see and could barely breathe. In that thick, murky place she had to try to find something to grab hold of, because when the water subsided it formed a whirlpool that threatened to suck her back down into its depths, lost forever to the light.
    Paige sat back against the cabinets holding her knees and rocking, trying desperately to ride out the storm, but the smell of them, the taste of them, and the searing pain of their intrusions filled her senses instead. She continued to retreat, deeper into the darkness until she no longer felt their fingers running roughshod over her body, one set clamped over her mouth and chest, the other ripping back her skirt.
    Huddled in one dank corner of her mind Paige wept. She wept and she shook and she held herself tight until the water was gone and she was left covered in mud. Slowly her legs found their feeling, and she stretched them out against the stiffness of perpetual tension. She took a deep breath in and started reciting the words and strategies she’d learned from her therapist. She tried to picture her safe place. Her visions of a sunny childhood room with windows on two walls always ended up being replaced by Nate’s face.
    She loved him. She knew it deep down. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Somewhere the line was just too thin between lover and rescuer, and he took both roles a little too seriously. It was a painful oxymoron that the arms she felt the most protected in all too quickly became stifling. Still, he was gentle and kind and beautiful. It would take some time yet before they’d be ready for more.
    __________
    Nate rounded the corner and slipped into the Carlton, hoping a Sapphire and tonic would give her some time to find her way back. He hated leaving her when she was like that, but it was something she’d insisted on