Free Full Frontal Fiction by Jack Murnighan Page A

otherwise. I got married and had a kid because I wanted to be with Carla, and she wanted that, and I went for it. If you’re still into that weird shit, that’s the way it is. If I’m going to let you have me, then you have me. If I don’t wake up the next morning, that’s the way it is. You were the nicest person to me I ever knew, and I just fucked you over left and right, thinking I had to protect something. There’s nothing to protect anymore. I gave it a shot, and it’s not happening. If you want me, you can have me. I used to be so into understanding myself, but now I just want to do things, and not understand them.
    I’ll talk to you,
    Gregg
    Dear Dennis,
    I’m coming down to Los Angeles next Tuesday. I have something to do that night, and then I’ll call you and come over. It’s perfect because, check this out, I’ve got this plan where I can steal a shitload of heroin from these guys down there. They think I’m buying it to sell, but fuck them. I’ve got it all figured out. So anyway, it’ll be cool because I’ll just come stay with you, and they won’t know where the fuck I am, and I’ll have all this dope for us to use. I used to believe in all that Buddhist crap, and then I sort of got out of that, but this whole thing is working out so great, I can almost believe it again. I’m so fucking high. I hope you can read this. When I got your last letter, I had to go celebrate, and fuck those AA guys who say they’re my friends. You don’t know the bullshit I’ve had to put up with, about accepting that I’m a fucked-up, helpless person. I started to believe it, so thanks for reminding me that I’m cool. Yeah, I’m not fat, Dennis, don’t worry. I’m fucking skinny as hell, but I could still go score with some guy right now, if that answers your question. I’ve got no problem getting guys to pay for it, as long as they don’t give a shit about the tracks. I can still pass for sixteen. I bullshit guys that I’m sixteen all the time, so you don’t have to worry about that, and I’m not going to worry about it either, because sometimes I can get really depressed about what I’ve done to myself, and I’m so sick of feeling like I blew all the shit that you and other guys used to think I was going to do with my life. You used to say I was going to be a great artist, but I haven’t done anything in a long time except try to get through every fucking day without killing myself. I tried to kill myself twice last year, if you want to know. The second time I almost did, and I used to be sorry it didn’t work, but now I’m excited. Maybe I won’t blow this thing with you. I feel like I have a chance. I’ve fucked up every good situation I’ve ever been in, and I decided that was because they were all bigger assholes than me, but you’re not an asshole, and you know my problems, so maybe you won’t be disappointed, because everybody’s always so fucking disappointed with me. If you want to know, I was planning to steal that dope to kill myself, so this is great timing on your part. Thanks for giving me another chance. If I blow this, then that’s it. You can go serial killer on me, and I won’t even care. It would be better if you went serial killer on me than if you threw me out like everybody else has. Hey, I’m just fucking high. You’re going to hear from me soon anyway, so I’ll sign off.
    Later,
    Gregg
    Dear Dennis,
    Thanks for calling me back the other day. It was a weird conversation, but I’m not going to worry about it. I’m sorry I got pissed off. I just had this idea in my head that you’d send me the money and I’d buy the bus ticket, but I don’t blame you for thinking I’d use it to score. You’re probably right. Ever since my van got stolen, I’ve been pretty on edge, so anyway I’m sorry