wouldnât let you have what you wanted, because if you got me for real, I just knew it would change. But then it got fucked-up anyway, and later I thought I was a total asshole for not just giving you what you wanted, because it wasnât that much to give, and you were so nice to me, and I should have given it to you, because itâs probably the only thing I could have given you to thank you and show you that I cared. But I didnât, so Iâve always felt like an asshole. I wanted to do it, you know. I was just scared that youâd think big deal, because letâs face it, thatâs what happens. Itâs not like Iâve been a saint since I last saw you. I try not to let people have me because it always fucks me up, but then I donât keep jobs very well, and I need money, so I let people have me, just so I can get by, and so that I have something in my life. So Iâm not scared of that shit anymore. I donât have big hopes about it. I still had big hopes about it when I was with you. I just thought if I waited until I got out of high school, and had my shit together, it would be better for both of us. Then that time we started to do something, and I freaked out, I thought I blew it. I didnât have my shit together, and now I donât think Iâll ever have my shit together, so I feel like an asshole for freaking out. I donât know why you wrote to me, and Iâm trying to understand why. The day I got your letter I went to a meeting and told them about it, and asked what they thought. Those people all think Iâm a fuckup, because I slip all the time, so I donât really care what they think, but they said maybe I hadnât blown it with you, and that I shouldnât just blow you off, and that I should write you back, and be honest with you about my circumstances and my addiction and so on, and see what happens. So Iâm trying to be honest with you, but thatâs not something Iâm good at. Iâm trying to think about this, and not just say if you still want me you can have me as long as you give me some money. I told them thatâs what I wanted to say, and they said that I should say that I love you, and I want to be with you, and not say the money part. Really, I donât care about the money part except that I have nothing right now. So they said I should be honest with you, and thatâs honest. Sometimes I think the people who go to those meetings arenât being real. Itâs not real to think youâre going to say, I love you for who you are and we should be together. I already blew that, and Iâll be honest with you, I think the drugs are always going to be a problem for me. So what Iâm thinking is, I could come stay with you for a few days and just see what happens. I was thinking of driving down to LA anyway and trying to get some money out of these guys I know there. I guess Iâll just drive down in a couple of weeks and call you, and if you want to see me, cool. If you want to have me, thatâs cool, and if you feel like giving me some money afterward, thatâs cool, but Iâm not expecting it. You said you donât know what you want with me now, and I donât know what I want either, not just with you but about everything. I know I want to go score, and I can do that, thatâs easy. I know I want you to have me, if you still want me, and you said you do. I donât remember if that serial murder shit you were into bugged me. Maybe I was scared that you were going to kill me, but I donât think so. I havenât thought about that shit for a long time. But I donât live like that anymore. When I shoot dope, I donât think if I do too much Iâm going to overdose. I do as much as I feel like it to get as high as I can. When I let some fucking asshole have me for money, I donât tell him what he canât do, I just go with whatever he wants, because itâs bullshit
Renata McMann, Summer Hanford