Free Unquenched by Jorie Dakelle Page A

choice.  But
to be with Jordan's family and Tristan the next day, just didn't feel morally
right.  The problem was compounded by the distance to the Cape, it was too far
to go for a day.  But even if I could have, we were driving together leaving no
way for me to get back.  Jordan was coming the following day and I still hadn't
made up my mind.  He assumed I was joining him as I had agreed to go, but it
was not yet settled in my mind.  I wrestled with the consequences of both of my
options and found it too difficult to choose.  To not go with Jordan was more
than one decision, it would end the relationship we had.  But Tristan was
coming, I just had to see him, it was almost like an addiction.
    By the very next day I felt pain in my stomach from not having
made up my mind.  I had been packing my clothes in a mechanical way, somehow
just going through the motions.  I picked up the phone and called a close
friend, a friend I had known for life.  I needed her advice, her support, her
instincts; I couldn't get through it alone.  When I heard her voice I started
to cry, it had all been bottled up so long. 
    "Hi." I said, as the tears filled my eyes, "I still
don't know what to do." 
    We had discussed it before with no resolution but this time she
had something to say.
    "Listen," she said.  "There is no real decision at
hand to be made.  I don't think right now you are seriously convinced that your
relationship with Jordan is exhausted.  So, unless you have definitively made
up your mind, and I don't think at this point that you have, you have no choice
but to go.  By going, you leave yourself the option to deal with the situation
later.  It will give you more time to sort things out.  If you don't go, you're
eliminating that option because the decision alone, speaks for itself.  Also, I
think that you will really hurt Jordan by doing it this way, I mean, even more
hurt than he's been.  And let's be honest, you and I both know that you're
never going to wind up with Tristan anyway.  You're from two different worlds. 
He's German, you're Jewish, did you forget that?  And he lives in Germany, not
exactly around the corner.  He's also a flight attendant.  I don't think that's
who you've always seen yourself with.  I guess if you are going to make the
decision to end things with Jordan, at least do it for the right reasons, or
for the right person, not just for some fling." 
    I valued her opinion but I knew that there was more to it than
that. 
    "But you know," I said, "it's not just about Tristan,
necessarily.  It's about the spark that's evoked within me when I'm with him. 
What I'm talking about is the feeling itself.  The intensity.  That wonderful
feeling of being alive.  I haven't felt like that in a very long time.  Now
that I've tasted it, it's difficult to accept feeling anything less.  Whether
or not I end up with Tristan is really almost irrelevant.  It's those feelings
that I want to have.  I know it sounds crazy, but seeing him is almost like a
test.  Maybe I'm creating a new emotional standard for myself and ultimately it
will convince me that being with Jordan could never be good enough.  Who knows,
but it is a feeling that's hard to resist.  That's for sure." 
    She breathed a long sigh as she shared my pain, and said, "I
know, but remember, this will not be Tristan's last flight to New York.  So,
either way, you will have the opportunity to see him again, maybe just not as
soon." 
    I knew that she was right.  On all accounts.  And if I went with Jordan,
in some ways I would accomplish everything, all in due time.  But patience was
not my virtue.  I knew my needs, I knew my limitations.  And from where I
stood, the future could not wait.
    But the following day I called Tristan.  He was back in Germany
and I hoped he'd be home.
    "Hello?" I heard him pick up.  I felt a rush of
excitement and suddenly felt weak at the thought of my plan. 
    "Hi, Tris?" I said with a