Free Unquenched by Jorie Dakelle

up, so I asked Courtney her perspective and why
she thought you might be calling.  She immediately said that no one makes a
phone call like that when they know the person they are calling isn't there and
thought that you were probably interested.  I wanted to believe her but my
pragmatic mind convinced me that it was just a friendly call and that calling
from Frankfurt was just easier and less expensive.  But then I thought about it
again, and decided, well, that you would have splurged for the extra five
dollars to call from New York and that maybe there was something behind the
call after all.  That's what I was hoping anyway." 
    My confidence was boosted and my heart felt light but I needed to
explain my dilemma.
    "But, I have to admit something to
you.  Do you realize that there is a little more to the story?  I am, at the
moment, still together with Jordan," I said. 
    He cut in and admitted, "I honestly wasn't sure what the
story was between the two of you, you made it very difficult to read.  It
appeared to me that he cared about you but that you felt more like friends.  I
thought maybe you had had something in the past", he explained. 
    I intervened by saying, "Well, I'm telling you this for two
reasons.  First, I assumed that you thought Jordan and I were together and I
didn't want you to think that I made it a habit of calling someone else when I
was already involved.  I guess you could say that Jordan and I are having
trouble and we have been for a while." 
    As I revealed my secrets I felt torn inside, feeling once again
that I had betrayed Jordan.  But I also knew that I had to seize the moment as
there was not a lot of time to play with. 
    "And second, although my future with him does not look
hopeful, we have not as of yet severed ties.  That's why this Christmas
gathering has become so complicated for me.  So, at the moment, I have not
decided whether or not to go with him.  It would really upset him if I didn't
go.  I just don't know what to do." 
    He was silent for a while and then said, "I understand.  But
when will you know?" 
    I took a deep breath and said almost sorrowfully, "Honestly,
I'm not really sure.  I may just decide at the last minute.  By the way, where
do you stay when you come in?", I inquired. 
    "At the Hyatt on 42 nd St., do you know where that
is?" he asked.  I laughed thinking of what a small world it was, knowing
that it was only streets away from FUN .
    "Yes," I said playfully, "I think I've heard of it
before," making it obvious that it wasn't some foreign place.  "Will
you be back in Germany before you come to New York," I asked.
    "Yes," he said and he told me exactly which days. 
    "Listen, I have a good idea," I suggested.  "I hate
to do this, but if you can deal with the last minute uncertainty, and in case I
can't get a hold of you, we'll communicate through messages at your hotel in
New York.  If I wind up going, there won't be a message and you'll know that I
needed to go.  Or if there's time and I can reach you in Germany, I'll call you
to tell you that I'm going.  I really want to see you, and I hope you know
that, but with all Jordan and I have been through, I have to figure out what's
right.  I hope that you can respect that."
      "Yes, sure I do," he replied. 
    "If I stay, there will be a message waiting for you when you
arrive telling you to call me at home.  I will be waiting for you in my
apartment, if that is the case.  What time do you get in?", I asked
feeling torn. 
    "My flight arrives at Kennedy at 2:30 p.m. or so.  By the
time I get to Manhattan it will be 3:30-4," he informed me. 
    "OK," I said.  "Either way, I hope to see you soon," 
    "Yes, me too," he said.  "And I hope not to hear
from you this week."  I knew what he meant as I put down the phone,
wondering if what I wanted was feasible.
    The rest of the day and all through the night I tormented myself
with decisions.  I wanted to do it all.  I didn't want to make a