Free Freakboy by Kristin Elizabeth Clark Page B

disconnected.

(BRENDAN)
    Crisis Averted.
    But peace not restored.
    Trans after all?
    A bow-curved mouth
    with lipstick I could taste;
    that Sugar Plum Fairy was hot.
    I think about brushing thick
    blond hair into a bun.
    Moving spinning leaping,
    body light, spirit free
    no extra flesh
    between her thighs.
    I jiggle my foot.
    Do I want to do her?
    Or do I want to be her?
    Drum my fingers.
    Quiet my freaky brain.

Bowling
    is safer, kind of.
    Get    our    shoes,
    step to lane six.
    The ball has heft,
    it’s substantial,
    a heavy thing.
    Solid and you
    can count
    on it to
    do what
    it’s supposed
    to do. No whining
    that it would rather be
    a football or a hockey puck.
    Fingers slick, I hurl it hard, my

    s h o u l d e r  s t r e t c h e s  o u t.

    This solid, this strong, this unchanging
    ball goes wild into the next lane. And it
    knocks down the white sentinels at the
    end of another alley. The manager’s mad
    (like I had the skill to do that on purpose)
    and other bowlers are looking at us. The
    kind of attention I hate. We finish the rest
    of the game under their glares, inspection.

    Later, just before sleep, I replay the scene
    and know I wasn’t knocking down pins. I
    was annihilating the Sugar Plum Fairy
    who      danced      in      my      head.

Next Day, Shopping with Andy Sucks
    but not because of him.
    Mall’s stuffy and
    Christmas lines are
    as long as the plot
    of the movie
    he’s telling me about.
    Still, I listen.
    You listen to your friends.
    Even if you don’t tell them everything.
    Christmas shopping means
    Where the Wild Things Are ,
    book with Max doll for Court.
    Astronomy book for Dad.
    The ugliest tie I can find
    for Claude the Interloper.
    A leather journal and a
    cool-looking fountain pen for Mom.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Two presents for her
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â since her birthday’s on the
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â twenty-eighth.
    That leaves Vanessa.
    I want to go home
    take a nap
    play Diablo.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Dude, you should totally
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  get her something sexified!”
    Slugging him would
    require too much energy.
    â€œYou’re talking about my
    girlfriend, asswipe.”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “I’m just sayin’. Look!”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  He points.
    MAKING HOLIDAYS BRIGHT SALE
    Neon panties in Victoria’s Secret window.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Come on, Dude.”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Starts walking over.
    â€œI’m not going in there.”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Dude, you know
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  she’d love it.”
    â€œI’m not.”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Quit being a pussy!”
    â€œI’m not, you idiot!”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “Afraid panties will bite?”
    â€œWhat if someone sees?”
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  “They’ll be all over you!
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  The ladies love a dude who buys
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  his girlfriend something romantic.”
    What can I say?
    â€œI’m not going to buy
    her