Free The Language Inside by Holly Thompson

asks Sam to go back to the monkey dance
    and we watch that dance again to the end
    then the music changes from classical Cambodian
    to hip-hop and the monkeys break into crazy moves
    and Van is jumping around mimicking them

     
    when they all leave the room
    I ask Sam to show me the fishing dance again
    I tell him I learned some folk dances in Japan
    and explain about my
yosakoi
team
    how long have you been doing this?
I ask
    since I moved back to Lowell
    when I was twelve
    why didn’t you tell me?
I say
    and it sounds accusing
    which is not at all what I’d meant
    but it seems like such a big part of him
    and I don’t know why but
    I’m suddenly jealous . . . 
    the dance? the girl?
    I had no idea you dance
    so seriously, I mean
    Sam says
well, it’s hard to explain
    Americans don’t get this
    unless they see it

     
    I bristle
    Americans?
    I’m American and I get it
    and in Japan we dance folk dances
    and Obon dances all the time
    which is a stupid thing to say
    because people hardly dance them
    all the time
    but I can’t seem to stop my tongue
    not all Americans are the same
    and anyway,
you’re
American

     
    he skips the DVD back
    to another classical piece
    with five girls dancing
    silver cups in hand
    he turns from the computer to me
    as the girls toss something from the cups
    and waits until I look at him
    hey
he says
    I swallow
    glance at him
    hey
I say back

     
    we return to the kitchen
    and help his mother ready the feast
    she speaks to him in Khmer
    then switches to English
    and back to Khmer
    and suddenly I realize
    from the way his mother speaks to him
    from the way Chris and Beth speak to him
    and from some forms and papers on the refrigerator
    that say
Samnang Gill
    that “Sam” is Samnang
    not Sam Nang
    and I feel like a complete
    and total
    dodo
    Samnang
    Samnang
    Samnang
    I say to myself
    and I wonder if I ever
    actually called him Sam
    to his face

     
    Sam . . . Samnang offers me some juice
    coconut or tamarind
    I go for tamarind
    and he pours from a can
    into two glasses with ice
    and gives me one
    then in a corner of the kitchen
    he lifts his glass to me and says softly
    so the others don’t hear
    here’s to different Americans
    and I smile gratefully and
    take a sip
    and think
    maybe, just maybe
    he didn’t realize I was calling him
    Sam
    all this time

     
    Lena and Van’s handkerchief skit
    about a rabbit, goldfish and butterfly
    who trick a noisy cicada
    into being quiet
    is followed by an amazing meal
    set on mats spread on the living room rug
    and Lily’s pleased to see
    that we’re fine sitting on the mats
    and that we love everything
    Beth tells me it’s great that I’m running
    to help eliminate stress and asks if I experience
    creative bursts during migraines
    but I shake my head
    not so far
    Mom asks Chris about his painting and design work
    the classes he teaches at an art school
    Lily asks Toby to teach her some Japanese words
    Samnang talks about his upcoming performance
    Van is begging for more handkerchief tricks
    and though I’m eating foods I’ve never eaten before
    and though we’re with a family in Massachusetts
    we’ve never dined with before
    this is the most I’ve felt at home
    since we left Japan

     
    then partway through dessert
    Lily makes some reference
    to Samnang’s friend Say-something
    asks about her twisted ankle
    and how she’s dancing
    I keep my eyes on the coconut pudding
    my spoon slicing through it
    ask
how do you spell that?
    so I don’t make any more name mistakes
    and Lily says
S-e-r-e-y
    it means
freedom
    but in my peripheral vision
    I catch Chris and Beth glancing at me
    and at Sam . . . Samnang
    and I can practically feel him
    tensing on the mat beside me

     
    Samnang says something to his mother
    in Khmer
    she answers him sharply
    in Khmer
    and he says something back
    and I am no dummy
    I notice
    when Chris abruptly changes the subject
    and talks over Lily when she tries to say
    something further on the subject of