Free Love Me: Oakville Series:Book 5 by Kathy-Jo Reinhart

it, right now, I need to be. I think facing death gives me that right.
    “No. I’m not ready for that,” he snaps with finality. The anger bubbling inside me boils over. My hands are fisted so tightly, my fingernails dig into my palms. I welcome the sting it brings because at least it’s a new feeling.
    “I think it’s about fucking time you got ready. You can’t keep hiding from this.” My voice comes out sounding like a growl. A thumping in my head tells me my blood pressure is skyrocketing. How do I get through to this man? He begins to open his mouth, but I shoot him a deadly glare that has him thinking better of it. I don’t miss his jaw clenching or the white knuckle grip he has on the steering wheel. “I love you, Marcus, more than I will ever be able to express. I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this, but I need you to step up. I feel like I’m the only one facing what’s to come. I can’t do this on my own, baby. Pretty soon, I won’t be able to be the strong one. That’s going to fall on you and you have got to be ready for that.”
    My breathing picks up and a huge knot forms in my stomach as I await his response. He glances in the rearview mirror, then pulls the car over into a parking lot and places it in park. His fists slam down on the dashboard and I jump, not expecting his outburst. “Fuck!” he booms as he slams them down again even harder. A lone tear leaves his eye and rolls down his cheek. I focus on that tear in fascination, watching as it moves to his chin and lands on the steering wheel. My chest tightens as I think about how many more tears with fall from his beautiful eyes—tears he shouldn’t have to shed.
    Turning in his seat, he faces me and takes my hand in his. “First of all, don’t ever apologize to me again. This is not something you have any control over. I know it doesn’t show, but I’m trying to come to terms with this. It’s just...I just…” he trails off, his voice shaky and full of emotion. He looks up to the roof as if he’s praying for the strength to say what he needs to say. A couple more tears trail down his face before he begins to speak again. “Knowing that I’m gonna have to say goodbye to you forever is literally causing my heart to break. I swear, I lay in bed at night and I can hear it cracking. I want to be strong for you, baby. You deserve that from me. I’m so fucking scared, though. I don’t know how to handle it. How to control my own emotions enough to be there for you and Chase.” He pulls me so I am right against him and wraps his arms around me. His shoulders begin to shake and his body stiffens as he tries his damnedest to keep himself under control.
    I rub circles on his back, trying to calm him and let him know I’m here. He’s never really had to deal with losing someone close to him, and I know that makes this that much harder for him. “We are in this together. I’m going to do everything I can to help you get prepared for this, but I need you to start helping me, babe. To start doing what you need to accept that I am going to die, and soon. I hate to be so blunt and I wish we had more time for you to adjust, but we don’t.” He nods against my shoulder. My throat burns from holding in the emotions that want out so badly, but I can do this. I can be strong for him in this moment while he’s finally coming to terms with this.
    “How do we tell our little boy he’s losing his mommy? How do I help him understand why this is happening when I can’t understand it myself? The pain I feel is excruciating and makes it hard for me to breathe. Knowing I have to bring that same pain to our six-year-old makes me want to hurl,” he admits. These are the same feelings I’ve had—feelings that have had me questioning whether we should tell him ahead of time or not. The minute he knows, his entire life will change. He’ll no longer be the innocent happy little boy he is now. The cruel and ugly side of what life can bring