Free One Split Second by Gillian Crook

confused… sorry, but I’m so sore and really emotional and there is no-one I can talk to or want to… I don’t know if I have ever felt like this… silly cow, of course I haven’t… its not everyday, you wake up in a strange hospital, with strange people (and a dwarf), part of your anatomy useless to you and pretty soon only have half an arse if it’s that BAD! And my life hanging on a shred both physically, emotionally and financially—oh god, money… who cares… as long as it covers the funeral costs… wouldn’t want to be tooo much of a financial burden on Barry, of course—he’s probably got life insurance on me anyhow!! I don’t really mean that entirely, well I do, but… I wouldn’t want the kids to think I would ever intentionally leave them… (except for the dreaded amber nectar that has nearly killed me!). Please god, let them forgive me for the time I haven’t spent with them when I should have… I have never stopped loving my beautiful kids and my hubby, who must have good genes or summit, because he gave me two cracking kids! I’m not ‘in love’ with their dad anymore, but I do ‘love’ him, not always of course, because he can be the most annoying, arrogant and obstinate bastard; but aren’t we all like that! Sometimes!? AND he’s a man!
    I’m gonna sign off now… I’m tired and I want to remember the good times and try to dream about my kids… so if I think hard enough I might dream about them… it might take away the pain. I don’t know why the pains soo bad, it makes me tired and stops me writing so much, so when I do write it sometimes get muddled up, so I hope your keeping up, . . . whoever or anyone out there who cares. I’ve just noticed that I talk about my dreams a lot, so if I write it down wrong, especially when I’m tired, it might look like ‘drams’, so don’t be thinking I’m dreaming about ‘whisky’ and having a ‘wee dram’!! Oh god, I couldn’t handle anything like that at the mo anyway… well, maybe… joking! Sorry if this is all sounds jumbled, but I’m sure when I’m not so confused, I will be able to talk properly… byee… I don’t know what I’m doing…
     

Friday 10th October
Sat 11th October 
    Well, all the days seem to be running into each other… I think I’m feeling better… met a really nice nurse called Marie, someone said she is an auxiliary, but ‘nurse’ suits me fine. Whatever, she does a much a better job than Dr Didn’t! I’ve been waiting to hear from Barry… I’m sure he told me that he was coming today… how can he… Saturday… oh God, I hope he doesn’t let me down… though saying that, Barry wouldn’t say he was doing something unless he was. That’s the one thing about him; he is pretty reliable to the point of being irritatingly precise and his timekeeping to the minute; one thing that used to drive him mad with me… my timekeeping is crap, and I’m always rushing at the last minute, no matter how much notice I’ve had to get ready! Anyway, my kids are soo wonderful and they always make me feel better.
    This writing is actually getting so hard to distinguish, it’s becoming nothing other than scroll… . I don’t know if I will even be able to read this back, if I ever want to that is. Mum and Paula arrived; I didn’t even know they were coming, or did I? I don’t really remember, but we did have a lovely time. Mum is so great, as always, and I’m sure Paula is mellowing with age.
    Robbie, Paula’s ex-hubby arrived somewhere in the midst, why has he come to see me? Don’t get me wrong it was good to see him, I just wasn’t expecting him.
    Why is it that I am so tired, and when I wake up, sometimes I don’t even realise it, but it’s another day? It’s not even as if my days are that boring… when I’m like this I’m ok; my writing is really bad, small and wiry, if that makes any sense, if anything makes any sense at the moment… I wonder if my medication needs looked at. I