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your car)
    • Remove your seat belt. If you weren’t wearing your seat belt, remove the shards of windshield.
    • Check all your passengers and make sure everyone agrees on the same story to tell the cops.
    • Check for injuries. If none, immediately decide who will fake what for the insurance.
    • If there’s any part of your car that is not damaged but you would like to have repaired free, damage it.
    • Extinguish all smoking materials, including cigarettes, cigars, pipes, and passengers.
    • Retrieve all passengers who were not wearing seat belts from nearby trees, ravines, rockslides, and under other vehicles.
    • If there are flammable fluids spilled on the ground, mark out the perimeter of the spill with lit flares.
    • If the other driver is behaving in an upset or aggressive manner, hit first and ask questions later. One bruise more won’t matter.
    • Make sure you have your licence, ownership, and bribe money for witnesses.
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU NEED A VACATION
    A lot of people are working too hard these days. Here are some danger signs to watch for:
    • You always look like you’ve had seven coffees.
    • You come home from work and your entire family has their bathing suits on.
    • You only ride elevators that feature reggae music.
    • You put a tiny umbrella into your glass of Maalox.
    • You look for a tie that goes with your Hawaiian shirt.
    • You have money in the bank.
    • When you smile, your wife doesn’t recognize you.
YOU’VE DONE A LOT BY COMPARISON
    I t’s human nature to compare ourselves with others, but sometimes as we get older, we need to look outside our own circle—or even species—in order to feel that we haven’t done badly. Take, for example, the sea turtle. It can live for a hundred years and yet its only accomplishment of any significance is laying eggs in the sand. You do that every month in the boardroom and you probably won’t make it past seventy-five. Or look at those giant redwood sequoia trees, or whatever they’re called. Some are more than two thousand years old, and they’re famous because people drive through them. Well, you let people walk all over you and you’re only forty-seven. So I say you’re doing just fine. Maybe if you lived to be two hundred we could expect more, but let’s not wish for too much of a good thing.
BODY CHECK
    I was in a golf tournament recently and I couldn’t help noticing that the young lady in the refreshment cart was significantly underdressed. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying I didn’t knowwhere to look. Well, actually I did know where to look—I just didn’t think I could get away with it.
    I understand that people dress that way to attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, especially in their own age group. But this was a golf tournament made up mostly of old guys like me, so I figure her outfit was mainly a marketing ploy. And it was working. She was doing a brisk business and her tip jar was just one more thing about her that was full to overflowing. There were no victims here, so I decided to feel good about it. I elected to treat it as a medical checkup. If I could look at a beautiful young woman and have an emotional response, that would mean my body is still working. And if I could do that without in any way thinking she might find me attractive, that would mean my brain must be okay too.
THE BALANCE OF NATURE
    I ’m a great believer in maintaining a balance in the types of friends you cultivate. If you’re a middle-aged married guy, it’s important to hang out with an old married guy and a young engaged guy. That way, you’re ready to deal with every personal scenario. When you’re feeling confused and troubled, you can talk to the old guy and find out that he’s just as confused and troubled as you are, which means it obviously won’t kill you. And when you’re feeling successful and omnipotent, you can go and play squash with the young guy.
A GUIDE TO STREAMLINING
    N owadays,