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Riser’s Syndrome. There’s only one easy-to-spot symptom: as you get into middle age and beyond, you find yourself getting up earlier and earlier. A man who usedto sleep till lunch at twenty-seven will leap out of bed at the crack of dawn at forty-eight.
    And the disease seems to progress as you get older. Generally, you get up an hour earlier for every ten years of your age. If you were getting up at seven when you were thirty, you’ll get up at six at forty, you’ll get up at five at fifty, and so on. If you live long enough, you actually run the risk of getting up before you go to bed. That’s why older men start back-timing their bedtime. We yawn through dinner, nap on the couch, and generally try to hit the sack by 9:30 p.m. This can be very inconvenient for our wives and family, not to mention our dinner guests.
    So I’ve come up with a solution. If you’re going to bed at 9 p.m. and getting up at 5 a.m., you’re getting eight hours’ sleep—they’re just not the right eight hours. You need to move east—two time zones east, to be precise, where 9 p.m. becomes 11 p.m. and 5 a.m. becomes 7 a.m. That’s acceptable for anybody. And in another ten years, you’ll have to move farther east. Keep doing this and you will always be keeping proper hours, no matter how old you get. Besides, I hear China is a great place to live.
HOW TO USE YOUR CAR TO GET WOMEN
    N othing turns women on faster than a great car, and nothing turns them off faster than the guy who’s driving it. The trick is to accessorize your car so that it screams “hunk,” and then keep your mouth shut or the relationship will go “thunk.”
The Colour
    Women like flash. The kind of flash you do with a paint job, that is, rather than a raincoat. Paint your car a flashy colour: red,silver, deep blue. Avoid yellow, brown, and plaid. Be careful when choosing murals for your van. Horses and rock groups and spaceships are okay, but paintings of nude babes tend to attract gay women or, worse still, straight men.
Bumper Stickers
    Decals are a reflection of your personality. “I Brake for Stray Dogs” suggests sensitivity, but “I Brake for Stray Dogs When I’m Hungry” sends a whole other message, and “I Brake for Stray Dogs When I’m Lonely” is just disturbing. You can send out the message that you’re a worldly, well-travelled guy with bumper stickers that say “Talladega Speedway Is for Lovers,” “We Saw the World’s Largest Road Apple,” or “I’d Rather Be in Go-Kart Universe, Wisconsin.” People generally believe that all signs lie, so having a decal that reads “I’m a Swell Guy” or “I’m Way Cool” or “Tested Negative” sends the exact opposite message. Try one that says “I’m Willing to Give Women One Final Chance—Apply Within.” It’s just the kind of challenge that women can’t resist.
Fur
    If you really want to impress the ladies, you’ve got to get fun-fur seat covers in Day-Glo pink or tiger stripes. Trust me. And don’t just use old shag carpeting from your deck or try stretching out a velour sweater you got at a Star Trek convention. Spend the money and get the proper seat covers. They cost a bit, but they’ll save you a lot in flowers and candy.
Wheel Disks
    It’s been my experience that most women don’t know the difference between, say, a ‘Cuda and a HemiCuda. It’s true. But theydo recognize a great set of wheel disks. If you’re going out at nights, you can probably get away with a set of garbage can lids sprayed silver.
Add-ons
    Mud flaps on the rear tires and a big leather cover to prevent the hood from stone chips also send a message that you are a sensitive, caring guy. At least when it comes to your car. And a woman is naturally curious to find out if you will have the same respect and concern for her. Even though no other guy she’s met with a car like yours did. The design on the mud flaps can make or break your chances. A top hat or a die looks very classy. A silhouette of a