Free Broken by Stella Noir, Aria Frost

I say. “Alright, thanks.”
    “We missed you last week. It was kind of empty without you. Were you ok?”
    Jo seems genuinely concerned about me, and that surprises me a little. I put the apple I’ve been holding for what could be a long time back into the basket with the others and turn to face her.
    “I just had a few things to do, that was all”, I say. “How did it go?”
    “Ok”, Jo says.
    I watch her cross her arms over her chest protectively. This must be difficult for her, alone here with me, a stranger essentially. Someone more powerful. After it happened, I became much more aware of myself as a man, of my capabilities, of how I might come across in this kind of situation.
    I try not to make her feel uncomfortable in my presence. I open up my arms and lean casually against the table to my left. I smile at her too, keeping myself a relatively normal distance away.
    “We waited for you, and then talked a little. I have my court case coming up in January, so there’s that.”
    “Oh”, I say. “How do you feel?”
    Jo smiles and then she looks away. When she looks back, I can see her eyes welling and tears brimming ready to crash over. She’s vulnerable. It’s how Alice would have been had she survived. Strong on the outside but falling apart on the inside. It’s how I am. I go to her quickly, naturally, without thinking. I have a natural desire to comfort her, but Jo steps away as I approach, and I suddenly realize that what I was about to do - touch her on the arm, hug her even - would have been wildly inappropriate given the circumstances. I quickly back away.
    “Sorry”, I say, my hands up. “I didn’t mean-.”
    “No, it’s ok”, Jo says, pushing the tear away from the corner of her eye. “It’s just. It’s so soon, you know, and I’m not ready. I don’t know. It’s been a hard couple of weeks settling back into work and now this.”
    “I understand”, I say. “What you have been through already, you know-. It must be hard.”
    Jo tries to smile, but I can see the corners of her lips vibrating as though she’s trying not to cry.
    “What about you?”, she asks, desperate to compose herself and move the focus away to something else.
    “I’m getting on”, I say. “A day at a time.”
    “You always seem so relaxed. I mean, I know we don’t know each other at all, but you seem, I don’t know, I’m rambling on here.”
    “It’s the medication”, I say, and smile to break the tension. Alice used to say the same thing about me, that I was relaxed, even at the times I didn’t feel it. I knew I had that capacity, to make my body lie to hide the truth. “Every day is hard for me too”, I say, “I lose focus, I wonder what the point of it all is, I have bad days and good days and days where I can’t even get out of bed, but they are still days. I have my running, and i’m keeping fit and eating well. I’m doing everything they tell me I need to.”
    “That’s good”, Jo says, her arms relaxed a little and down by her side now. “You look like you’re in shape. I’m eating like a pig, I can’t be bothered to cook most nights so I just get takeout and sit on the couch and end up leaving half of it anyway. I’m not very motivated.”
    “You’ve motivated yourself to come here”, I say. “That takes motivation.”
    “I live right at the end of the street”, she says, laughing a little. “I’m going crazy at home and even crazier at work. All this Christmas stuff is driving me insane.”
    “Yeah? It’s a bit much isn’t it?”
    To be honest, I hadn’t really even noticed. I’ve been too busy with training and searching for people to stop and take things in. She’s right though, I notice it as I take a look around the shop. Advertisements, new packaging on products, there’s even a jingle coming over the tannoy so subtle I hadn’t even consciously realised it was there. I’m zoning out again, and Jo’s smiling sweetly at me as though it could have been a