Free Mere Anarchy by Woody Allen Page B

wired.
    UMLAUT Wouldn’t you be, Nutmeat? My first picture as producer. If
Behold a Pale Endocrinologist
doesn’t make it, I’m finished. Fifty million simoleons suctioned from studio coffers and deposited in perpetuity with Thomas Crapper.
    NUTMEAT You gotta go with your instinct, kid. Your gut told you America’s ready for a picture about the smelting process.
    UMLAUT I’ve only staked my future on it. But what am I to do, Nutmeat? I’m a dreamer.
    (
A velvety voice punctuates Umlaut’s reverie
.)
    PAULA And I’d like a chance to make your dreams come true.
    (
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner’s mansion
.)
    UMLAUT Wha? Who are you, you fortuitous agglomeration of protoplasm?
    PAULA Paula Pessary. I’m only a starlet now, but with a teensy break I could lay siege to the hearts of a truly solid demographic.
    UMLAUT And I’ll see to it you get the at-bat so coveted.
    PAULA (
stroking his cheek
) I promise you, I’m well trained in the art of gratitude.
    (
The bow tie of Umlaut’s tuxedo begins spinning like a propeller
.)
    UMLAUT I mean to marry you and make you the brightest star in the firmament, and I’m including Canis Major, the dog one.
    PAULA Mike Umlaut marry? Everyone knows that as Tinseltown’s budding Thalberg you’re glimpsed nightly at sundry boîtes always squiring a fresh mouse.
    UMLAUT Till tonight. Tonight, the earth shook.
    NUTMEAT (
running over
) The reviews are in. The movie’s a smash. You’ll never have to return another phone call!
    (
Cut to exterior shot of Bubonic Studios. Cut inside to reveal the new head honcho, Mike Umlaut. He sits in his office, where the walls are dotted with Warhols and Stellas, plus an occasional Fra Angelico to limn the breadth of his taste. Surrounding him are flunkies and myrmidons aplenty. Nutmeat, now a vice president, is present, plus Arvide Mite and Tobias Gelding, two ubiquitous studio dealmakers. Dolly in for two-shot of Umlaut barking orders to his harried secretary, Miss Onus
.)
    UMLAUT Get me Wolfram Ficus on the phone and tell him I’m sending him a copy of
Such Foolish Chickens
. Tell him to read the part of Yount the apothecary. And ready my private Gulfstream; there’s a sneak preview of
The Reluctant Embalmer
in Seattle. Have the plane taxi down Rodeo Drive and pick me up in front of Spago after lunch.
    GELDING M.U., the weekend figures are in.
Gerbils and Gypsies
has broken every record at the music hall.
    MITE As has
The Learning Disabled Toreador
. Everything you touch goes platinum.
    UMLAUT Say, boys, have any of you read
Gilgamesh
?
    (
They assent enthusiastically
.)
    NUTMEAT The Babylonian Bible? Sure, several times, why?
    UMLAUT I’m going to say one word to you: musical.
    NUTMEAT (
reverentially
) Only you. Only you …
    (
Paula Pessary, now Mrs. Umlaut, enters in a tight Versace dress that breads her voluptuous contours like matzo meal on a cutlet
.)
    PAULA The advance notices of
Reverse Peristalsis
are in. They’re calling me this generation’s Garbo and you the brooding Svengali who pulls the strings.
    (
Umlaut produces a tiara from his pocket and lays it on her. They kiss
.)
    GELDING Isn’t love something? Clock this golden couple. While flood and famine cloak so much of the blue marble, these two coast through, buttressed only by devotion and high grosses.
    (
Dissolve to the set of a film on location in Coonabarabran. The director, Lippo Sheigitz, is raging at Umlaut
.)
    SHEIGITZ You crass philistine! This was supposed to be my picture! I was to have total artistic control!
    UMLAUT What’s a few line changes?
    SHEIGITZ Line changes? The blind concert violinist is now a Navy SEAL?
    UMLAUT It gives more oomph. Look, Sheigitz, you know that I’m not one of those passive suits who just busy themselves with arithmetic. I’m a creative, hands-on guy. By the way, forget Mozart, I’ve decided it’s going to be a rock score. I’ve