Free One by J. A. Laraque

that any of my feelings about religion were brought on by my relationship with Jonathan. She knew how his parent’s felt long before I did.
    “ I didn't have to talk to Jonathan to realize the truth. You both knew how he felt and that's why he never came with us to church. I remember dad saying he would tell me the truth one day. He didn't. Jonathan told me himself. I can understand that telling an eight year-old that stuff would just confuse me. You could have told me when I was older, but you didn't. What were you afraid of or did it just slip your mind?”
    She didn’t have anything to say. I was not finished. Perhaps it was the wrong time to tell her the truth, but as I said I did not believe in keeping it in any longer. I stood and looked out over the auditorium, there was one last piece to the story and I wanted my mother to know it.
    “ You want to know what did it. It wasn't the word of God, but the actions of those who call themselves his children. They drive up here in their luxury cars and gossip outside about how smart their child is or who slept with whom. Then they walk in here drop a few dollars in the collection plate and sing a hymn and they believe all their sins are just washed away. I heard what these people do during the week. If God is as all knowing and powerful as they claim, do they really think he doesn't know how full of shit they are?
    You guys brought me here to share in the love of God and for a time I felt it. When I stopped coming every week I gave you tons of excuses, but really, what I was trying to do is find out why I was going to church in the first place. You had your reason, but I didn't have mine. When I came back I thought I had a reason, a real purpose. I wanted to spread the word of God and learn as much as I could. I did everything I could to show I wanted to help others and when the chance came to go overseas with the youth group for missionary work they denied me.
    They gave me a story about me not being ready, but I found out the truth. The youth organizer worked for a company that was a rival of dads. It was not about spreading the word of God. It was about petty competition and jealousy. I confronted the youth group leader and he told me that I wouldn't fit in with the group. I told him I thought God accepted anyone. He told me that God does, but he didn’t. I walked out and swore I would never come back. I told Jonathan about what happened and he understood fully. I didn't tell you or dad or even Ashley because you believed in all this so much I didn't want to take that away from you. Maybe that's why you never told me about Jonathan's family, you didn’t want to take away the faith of a child.”
    That event was one of the last times that I tried to deny how I really felt inside. I wanted to pretend that moment did not change me forever but it did. After that I swore I would never allow myself to be drawn in to anything that deep anymore. They played off my emotions and my fear and used it against me and then told me that all their love for me was a lie.
    My mother lowered her head, sliding the hymn book off of her lap she stood and walked toward me. I could see the sadness inside her unable to remain contained. Wrapping her arms around me she pulled me close and started to cry. I could feel her pain and it killed me.
    “ I’m sorry, Timothy. All I ever wanted was for us to be together, as a family.”
    It was Ashley who told me later that my mother stopped going to Moody church. She still believed in God, but that day it was her faith in man that was loss. All she wanted was peace and with everything that had happened there was serious doubt peace would ever be found.
    “ We still are, mom. We still are.”
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Shattered Belief
    The cold returned awaking me from my memory induced slumber. I could feel my mother’s presence fading from me, her warmth leaving my body. It was at that moment, I