Free Who I'm Not by Ted Staunton

running shoe with dried seaweed clotted on the laces. I dragged some driftwood over to the log and made a little shelter. I balanced the cogwheel on one end of the log and hung the running shoe off one branch of the driftwood. There was even a block of washedup Styrofoam to use for a seat. I hung out there for a while and looked at little boats far out on the water and felt like Robinson Crusoe. When I went back to Shan’s I felt calmer than I had in a long time. Having an edge is good, but I didn’t mind calmer at all.
    Monday, I hit Open Book early, even before Gillian, and she came to sit with me when she got there. That made me feel even better. At lunch, she came out with me to the coffee shop on the corner.
    â€œWhat happened to your hands?” she asked.
    â€œI worked all Saturday. Made fifty bucks.” I told her about Dave the Garden Fairy. “It was a little harder than I’m used to.”
    â€œDave’s nice,” she said. “He used to work at our house.” She looked out the window.
    I didn’t ask why Dave didn’t work there anymore. Instead, I told her about going down on the beach the first time, and how nice it was being there by myself for a few minutes. I didn’t tell her about going back though. That was private. All she said was, “It’s nice being alone.”
    â€œYeah,” I said. “Where Danny was, like, you could never be alone.”
    She nodded. “I’ve felt like that. It’s a drag.” She looked out the window again. “How come you said Danny , as if he’s someone different from you?”
    â€œIt just—it helps keep stuff away. Sometimes I don’t want to be him. Anymore.”
    She looked at me. She stood up. “We should go back. I want to finish my work.”
    â€œWhat for?” I said.
    â€œSo things won’t be even more messed up when I start at a new school.”
    I followed her out of the coffee shop. What I’d said wasn’t exactly a lie. I didn’t want to feel like Danny, or me, for that matter, when I was around Gillian. That was the main part, and it was completely true. But I know the way I said it wasn’t exactly the truth. It wasn’t what she meant. Did I want her to know I wasn’t Danny? I don’t know what I wanted—it just came out. I was sort of telling lies to tell the truth. Weird, I know, but what can I say? It felt right. That’s all I can say.

SEVENTEEN
    That week was good. Roy felt better and went back to work. Dave the Garden Fairy called and asked me to work again. I went to the library once and to the beach once. Carleen stayed away. Shan tied herself up in knots explaining that Carleen and Tyson got distant sometimes and that she knew Carleen was still feeling guilty about what went on with us before. Let her, I thought. Who knew what it might get me? All in all, everyone else was happy as clams, as Harley used to say. I began to think Danny and I might have just enough in common to make this a good gig.
    At supper one night Shan smiled and said, “I hear you’ve made a friend. Fran at the clinic—no, Brooklynne, you don’t need more ketchup—Fran told me she saw you having lunch with Gillian Dewitt.”
    I was going to say no, as usual, but I felt my face get hot.
    â€œIt’s a small town, hon. Just like always.”
    â€œIt was just lunch,” I said.
    â€œGotta start somewhere.” That was Roy.
    â€œDanny gots a girlfriend,” said Brooklynne.
    â€œI didn’t even know her last name,” I said. I shoved a chicken finger in my mouth. It was those and mac and cheese for dinner.
    â€œWho’s Gillian Dewitt?” Matt asked.
    â€œDuh,” Shan said. “Her sister Janelle’s in your class. They used to come in to the eye clinic when I was on reception there. She’s a nice girl. I heard she took it pretty hard, about her dad and all.”
    I almost didn’t