Free Daniel Hecht_Cree Black 02 by Land of Echoes

she
     certainly would.
    She made it only to third runner-up.
    She tried to smile for the cameras while her heart crash-landed and the tears exploded behind her eyes. The spotlight lingered
     on her briefly, impatiently, and for the last time, before it moved on to the more beautiful, talented young women.
    "Barely twenty years old," Julieta said. "I felt like the ugly duckling. The instant my name was announced, I had this epiphany
     that I'd completely wasted five years of my life, posing with a fake smile and sticking my chest out. By that time I had no
     friends. I'd never had time for friends, and anyway the kids at high school and UNM all thought I was hopelessly stuck-up. And I realized suddenly just
     how completely I'd learned to quantify every aspect of myself I didn't even know what I really liked to do or was good at! My only reason for doing anything had always been, 'Gee, I'd better take up ballet or . . . or chess so I'm
     more competitive in the talent judging.'"
    Maybe that painful epiphany would have driven her to redirect her life, but the pageant of 1982 had yet one more damaging
     and lasting effect. At some point, she'd been introduced to Garrett McCarty, one of several corporate bigwigs who'd helped
     sponsor the proceedings. He was CEO and sole owner of McCarty Energy, a big thing in western New Mexico, coal and uranium
     mining. And Garrett, forty-nine-year-old millionaire, famously eligible twice-divorced bachelor, took an interest in one of
     the good-looking pieces of prime stock at the pageant: a dark-haired, blue-eyed Hispanic-Irish girl from suburban Santa Fe.
    "Long and short of it, he bowled me over. I was bruised and demoralized after the contest, but when he contacted me I was
     handed an instant remedy. He courted me for six months and it was heady—power, money, important people, nice clothes, expensive
     cars, good food. I thought, 'Hell, maybe I won the damned thing after all!' When he proposed to me, my father and mother were
     ecstatic. Garrett had gotten chummy with Dad, talked about buying tons of equipment from his firm. Marrying him would mean
     a guaranteed living for me, grandkids for them, and best of all a way to meet the real people, to hobnob with the movers and shakers. Which would prove we were taking our rightful place in the world. And all I
     had to do was look nice, keep the smile in place!" Julieta made a face as if she wanted to spit. "I hate talking about it.
     It's a tawdry, pathetic soap opera."
    "But did you love him? Were you attracted to him? Apart from his money, I mean."
    "I don't know. I couldn't tell him apart from his money—hell, I couldn't tell him apart from his Corvette! He was very handsome,
     didn't look his age at all. I think I told myself I was in love with him. But it's a long time ago now. The girl who married
     Garrett McCarty was a different person. I could just as easily recite the facts of the life of Helen Keller or . . .Mary,
     Queen of Scots, and it would feel neither more nor less 'me'!" Julieta looked over at Cree as if checking her response. "I
     know I should be able to toss off a wry grin and chuckle at it, but I can't."
    "Would it help if I told you about my own youthful follies? I've got plenty—we could probably manage a yuck or two about
     'em. My mother says if you haven't got regrets you haven't lived right."
    Julieta brought her attention back to driving. "I've got regrets," she said. Ones you can laugh about later, Cree had meant to add. She bit her tongue.

    They drove without talking for a while, a vertical crease deepening between Julieta's eyebrows. Ten minutes out of Gallup,
     she announced that she had another stop to make.
    "I don't mean to take up your time with these errands," she apologized. "With drive times the way they are out here, the rule
     of thumb is to get several things done on any long trip. This one'll only take a minute."
    She turned onto a side road that ran through a spread-out scattering of tiny