Free Something Had to Give by Trish D.

anymore. I dreaded school and anything associated. The best thing of hanging around my cousins was that they were not aware of what had happened to Jackie and I didn’t have to answer any questions or deal with any suspicious looks. It was nice to have some company that I could relax around.
    June seemed like the longest month of my life. Some days it seemed like torture, but as it got closer to July, I wanted it to slow down. It was hard for me to process what would happen at the trial coming up soon. The prosecutor had been in touch with Derrick and I ever since Jackie’s death and we both had to give depositions. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put that disastrous night behind me. Somehow, I always ended up having to talk about it. My parents were there for me through each step of the process, but I couldn’t help but feel as though they were still disappointed in my actions. I was still disappointed in myself. Each time I had to tell the story of what happened that night, all the red flags that I ignored jumped out at me. I passed up so many opportunities to get us out of the situation never expecting that Jackie dying would be the end result. I prayed numerous times that I could turn back the hands of time just once to fix what I had messed up. Not only did I want to go back and save Jackie, I wanted to repair the damage I had done with my parents. From the moment Jackie died, I had been waiting on Daddy to give me one of his bear hugs and tell me everything was going to be OK. When that didn't happen, I knew I had really messed up.
    The day before Brian's trial started I was a nervous wreck. Mommy and Shanna took me shopping and out to lunch to try to keep my mind off things, but nothing seemed to work. They both were insistent that I had to find the perfect outfit that would help the jury feel sympathetic of the situation. It didn’t make sense to me. Neither of us was on trial. I felt as though I could find an outfit in my closet and as long as I told the truth, the right decision would be reached. I went along with it for the sake of avoiding an argument and we all agreed on a simple navy blue dress. As mommy went to the cash register to pay I stood back staring at a red dress on a mannequin. Red was Jackie’s favorite color. It was the color she had been wearing the night she died. I had to have come across the color red hundreds of times since her death and each time it gave me chills. Still, I wanted the red dress to wear to court instead of the blue one.
    “I can’t even imagine what this feels like sis. I do know that things will get better, they always do” Shanna said.
    Her words were few, but enough to bring tears to my eyes. It was all I could muster up to do to give a faint “thanks” in reply as I fought back tears.
    “Hey now, no tears or Mom is going to think I was over here bullying you.” We both laughed as she continued, “Seriously, don’t make me give you one of Dad’s bear hugs. You’re going to be fine. We are all here for you.” I wondered if Mommy put her up to talking to me. Somehow they knew how much I was in need of that reassurance. It was right on time.
    Lunch at Maggiano’s was a lot better than shopping. For months I felt guilty for having fun or being happy. I wasn't sure how long I was to grieve or if people would look at me strange for moving past the situation too soon. That day sitting outside laughing and talking at the restaurant, I was relaxed and happy. Not once did I feel guilty about it. For that hour and a half we were there, I didn’t think once about what was to take place the next day. It hit me again later that evening when Derrick called. His mom couldn’t get off work and his dad was deployed in Iraq so he would have to take the bus to court alone. He didn't act like it was a big deal, but I could tell that it bothered him that no one would be there to support him. Even with the strong support system I had around me, I found it difficult to