Free Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man: A Novel by Fannie Flagg

didn’t mean to do it If you ask me, this place is cheaply built. I hope my mother doesn’t notice what I did when she comes back from Jackson. I told Daddy I wouldn’t tell her that he has been drinking if he doesn’t tell her the malt shop fell.
    He had to build a ledge on the grill so the eggs and hamburgers don’t slide off into the french fry grease. Other than that, I don’t think it is too noticeable. I’ll be glad when Momma gets back because Daddy is in a bad mood.
    Daddy went with Hank when he got married to be Hank’s best man. Daddy said the wedding was sad. It took place in an office and the bride didn’t wear a wedding gown, just a suit with a mum corsage. There wasn’t even a honeymoon. Hank came to work the next day and didn’t look any different. Daddy gave him $50 and I gave them some shell napkin holders and some oyster shell ashtrays I had made at Jr. Debutantes.
    The wedding was written up in “Dashes from Dot.” So was the fact that the Harper’s Malt Shop is all cattywampus, but Mrs.Dot saved my hide by writing it had been a natural act of God that caused it. I think she didn’t want to print the fact that a Jr. Debutante had dug tunnels under the house, what with her liking us to be social and all.
    Michael has been reading Mickey Spillane’s book
Kiss Me, Deadly
and thinks he’s big stuff. He says it’s only for boys and adults. I read it last year and it’s not all that hot
    The only good thing that happened is the woman who was going to talk to the Jr. Debutantes on accessories got sick, so we sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” instead. Mrs. Dot’s thought for the day was: “Remember if people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead!”
    Daddy and Jimmy Snow have been on a drunk the whole time Momma has been gone and poor Hank is running the malt shop by himself.
    Jimmy is drinking because his girlfriend, Iris Ann Moody, who he has been engaged to for eight yean, is marrying someone else. I don’t know what Daddy’s excuse is.
    Mrs. Dot must have found out that Daddy was drinking because she wanted me to go stay with her, but I told her I was fine. I like her very much, but I can’t stand her husband. He is mean to her and insults her in front of people all the time. I’m glad my hot fudge sundae went down his back.
July 30, 1952
    Momma’s home from Jackson and the first thing Velveeta did was tell her I had caused the malt shop to fall. She also told on Daddy. When he came in drunk, Momma was so mad she socked him all over the back room. Every time he would get up, shewould hit him again, but she did turn the lights off so that the neighbors couldn’t look in.
    I could only see shadows and hear them. It was like watching
Flamingo Road
with Joan Crawford. During the whole fight the carnival music was playing a real nice song, “Give Me a Kiss to Build a Dream On.”
    Momma was accusing him of fooling around with a roller derby woman. When she broke the phone over his head and he started to bleed, she got scared and made me run over to the Romeos and call the doctor. He came and said Daddy was all right, but we would have to order another phone. He said to Momma, “Fay, you better be careful. If he had been sober, you would have killed him.”
    Momma is being real sweet to Daddy because I think she was afraid she might have killed him. I would have been the daughter of a famous murderess, and when she went to the electric chair, I would have been an orphan and everyone would feel sorry for me.
    I guess I could get a job and live in a hotel and wear black, but I would be marked for life. I would rather be a shut-in, like Jessie, only I want a better disease than elephantiasis. All of this trouble began because Velveeta is a squealer. She should see what James Cagney does to squealers.
    Grandma is fine. She has already started having bingo parties at her house again. Momma is disgusted with her because she won’t give up her Camels. She said she would