me.â
âItâs okay. Grief can do strange things to people,â I say to her. Itâs something Thatcher said to me in the Prism, and itâs true. So true that I canât help but wonder if my little fit of jealousy over Nick just now wasnât just a piece of me grieving what is clearly the slow fizzling-out of our relationship.
âYou donât hate me?â
âNo. I donât think I could hate you if I tried.â
âIs that because you have a newfound appreciation for life and love and some kind of wisdom that makes you not get mad at your best friend who kissed your boyfriend? Because, goodness gracious, Callie, that is generous of you!â
I want to tell her that Iâm not being generous, and another vision of what Reena did to her comes tumbling back to me. Part of me wonders if I should tell Carson, but I should talk to Thatcher first. He said I wasnât in danger anymore, and I want to believe that means Carson is safe too. Even though I trust him, itâs hard not to worry, now that Iâve fully remembered how powerful Reena and her âfriendsâ really are.
I swallow hard and attempt a smile. âCarson, a lot of weird things happened while I was in that coma. Letâs add this one to the list.â
She hugs me tightly.
âThank you for telling me,â I whisper into her hair.
She pulls back and grins. âI had to. The guilt was eating me alive.â
âSo. You said there were two things . . . ?â
âRight.â She smoothes the comforter under her hands.
âWell, what is it?â Iâm truly afraid if the second thing is harder to say than the first.
âI didnât want to mention it, because Nick was in a really bad place and even drinking a lot during the summer but heâs stopped that and it seems like things are good with you guys now and I justââ
âCarson!â My patience for her rambling is just about gone.
âNick was talking to Holly Whitman a lot while you were . . . away.â
âHolly Whitman? Seriously?â
She nods, eyes wide, afraid of my reaction.
Nick and Holly. Thatâs what I heard in her voice at the movie theaterâit wasnât pity for me; it was sadness that she wasnât standing in my place. For all I know, she was the person he was texting the whole night, too.
I feel my jaw clench. Another visceral reaction to someone else being with my boyfriend . But this is different. Itâs not about Holly wanting Nick. Itâs about Nick wanting to be with Holly. And even though Iâve just remembered that heâd wanted to end things with me before my accident, I think about how supportive, sweet, and kind heâs been to me since Iâve woken up, and now all of our time together seems a bit false and forced. Like it was between us the other night.
I finger the amber pendant that I havenât taken off since Nick fastened the clasp for me last week, and I take a deep breath in. I remind myself that when I was in the coma, I was falling for someone else too. I was discovering a whole new part of myself that I didnât know existed and somehow Thatcher knew was always there. Maybe thatâs what Nick was going through with Holly, and if it was, I have no reason to judge him.
I open my eyes again. âAre they still . . . you know, interested in each other?â
âI donât think so,â says Carson. âI havenât seen them together or anything since you woke up. . . .â
Iâve always known Nick to be a Good Person, and him keeping his distance from Holly is even more evidence of that. Which is whyI should let Nick go, let him be with her or whomever else he might want, even though heâs still one of the most important people in the world to me. But as much as I hate to admit this, thereâs a part of my heart thatâs acting out of selfishness.
The person Iâve been