Free An Illusion of Trust (Sequel to The Brevity of Roses) by Linda Cassidy Lewis Page A

can barely hold on to it. But I'm not crying. Jalal shifts the baby to his shoulder and stands.
    "Excuse us, ladies. We need to put these two down for their naps."
    I lose it as soon as the door closes behind us. "Oh, God. I took my eyes off him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Jalal reaches for me and pulls me close.
    "Shhh. Take a deep breath." He waits until my shaking has almost stopped and then he says, "Look at me. Adam went directly to the steps and got out. He had on his water wings. He knows not to go past—or even near—the rope floats. And there were four adults within twenty feet of him. This was not even close to a tragedy. All right?"
    I nod, but I'm not all right. It's not all right that I let my mind wander when I was supposed to be watching my toddler in the pool. That's never all right.
    "I stuck," says Adam, who's been trapped between our legs this whole time. Jalal laughs and lets me go, so I can step back and set Adam free. I can't even smile.

    On this beautiful June evening, we've just finished a quiet dinner on Judith's patio when Hank and Jalal begin discussing the stock market. Judith motions for me to follow her into the house. "I don't want to discuss making money," she says. "I just want to have plenty of it."
    "Have you always had plenty?"
    A surprised "Good lord," bursts through Judith's laugh. "I will never get used to your candor. I love that about you. And yes, I've always had enough … and most of the time I've had plenty."
    "I'm not comfortable with it," I say. "Having money, I mean."
    "Why on earth not?"
    "I don't trust it. It's just something Jalal assumes will always be there. I can't do that."
    Judith lays a hand on my arm. "Lately, it seems you worry about everything. And there's no cause for any of it that I can see. I think you should talk to your doctor about post-partum depression, Renee."
    "Judith, I am not—"
    "I've watched you. You're animated with the children and Jalal and … and everyone, I guess, but when you think no one is watching, you go blank. You're only acting like everything is fine."
    "No. I'm just tired. Mia Grace is only five months old, and she's not sleeping through the night, and—"
    "And with Jalal and Azadeh there—day and night—to watch the children, you can't possibly nap."
    "You don't understand."
    "No, I don't. Do you?" She waits for a response I can't give. "Exactly. That's why you need to talk to someone."
    I turn away. "I'm just tired."
    "You're depressed," Judith says, but she lets go of my arm. "I have some French silk pie, want some?"
    "Of course."
    "Start the coffee, will you?"
    Judith knowing when to drop a subject is one of the things I like about her. I don't know how to put what's wrong with me into words. Or maybe I do. I wasn't lying when I said I'm tired, but it's not from lack of sleep. I'm tired from the effort of pretending I'm someone else. I can't fill Meredith's shoes. I don't even like those shoes. They're not my style. Wow, how ungrateful does that sound? I have more reasons to be happy than I've ever had—than I ever
dreamed
I'd have. Suck it up, Renee, and get on with life.
    I take the beans from the cupboard and measure them into the coffeemaker. As they're grinding, I watch Jalal and Hank through the kitchen window. Jalal leans close to Hank and gestures as he speaks. Hank, nodding, keeps his eyes on his hands folded on the table before him. What are they up to?
    Judith sets the pie on the counter. "Do you suppose the men will interrupt their discussion for this?" she asks, but before I can answer she opens the patio door and asks them directly.
    Hank gives an enthusiastic yes, but—unbelievably—I'd swear Jalal was about to decline. A shadow crosses his face, but a second later he leans back in his chair and smiles when he nods to Judith.
    Jalal shows no sign that anything troubles him when we all sit down to coffee and dessert a few minutes later. In fact, he launches into the story of how Jennie won his confidence by