Free Behind Closed Doors by Ava Catori

I
just never thought he might not be here,” I said. “He’s
too young.”
    Alex
wrapped his arm over my shoulder. “It’s okay to be
confused, or sad, or even have feelings about him. He was a big part
of your life.”
    “ It
feels weird talking to you about it,” I said, looking at him.
“I mean, you know we were married and all, but it’s just
weird.”
    “ Do
you want some time alone?”
    “ I
think I want to see him, and yet I know I wouldn’t be welcome
at the hospital. I’m not sure how to process the news.”
    “ Why
don’t I head home, and let you have some time alone so you can
work through this. If you’d prefer, I can stay. I’m not
sure which will help you more.”
    “ You’re
sweet,” I said, leaning into Alex. “I don’t know
what I want. I mean, he’s not a part of my life anymore, but I
don’t want this. I don’t want him to die.”
    He
squeezed my shoulder gently, his arm still draped over me. “Do
you want to be alone?”
    “ I’m
not sure,” I said staring ahead. “I feel a little lost.”
    “ You’re
going to need some time,” he said standing up. “I’ll
check in with you later.”
    “ Do
you mind?” It’s like he knew what I needed more than I
did.
    “ Not
at all, it’s a lot to absorb.”
    I
got lost in the two sides of the coin, and couldn’t look away
from the debate on a news station. It pained me to hear it, but then
my own mind wrapped around it. If I was still married to him, what
would I do? I kept coming back to the words “quality of life”,
and yet the thought of turning off life support overwhelmed me. The
thing is, it wasn’t my decision to make, and as sad as I was
for him, I was grateful it didn’t fall on my shoulders. It was
more decision than I could handle.
    I
finally turned off the television and sat in the quiet of my living
room. I played back our relationship from beginning to end, and then
tucked it away in a box in my mind. I mourned for what we had, what
we used to be, and for his current situation. It seemed like a
lifetime ago, and yet it really wasn’t that long ago.
    When
Alex checked in later that evening, I thanked him for giving me time.
I knew I’d need another day or so to process all my feelings,
but I liked that he was there for me. He patiently sat on the phone
as I talked about my past. It felt odd sharing little details, but he
knew I had to find my closure – it was the only way I’d
make peace with what was happening.
    I
was sad when I heard the news that Harry had passed. His parents
finally made the decision to remove the life support, and as his body
shut down, Harry Michaels became someone that I used to know. His
life was no more.

Chapter 10
    My
schedule was hectic. I was moving through finals for my semester, so
my head was buried in my books and notes. Time was passing, and the
more time we spent together, the more I grew attached to Alex. I saw
us having a life together, and the possibilities were endless. My
main focus was to finish school and start a career. Alex on the other
hand hinted that he wanted more than to just continue on this path.
He had bigger goals, and that included making me his wife. He wanted
a family.
    I
wasn’t ready to move that fast. I’d been through one
marriage, and wasn’t sure I was ready for a second. He didn’t
come out and ask me yet, but he was hinting at the possibility. I
think he was feeling me out, and I didn’t have the heart to
tell him I had different visions of our future.
    I
saw us building our careers, not having a family, and some day
traveling together – maybe finish that trip he started, but
this time together. His visions included children, more than one or
two. With a family, how would I focus on my career?
    I
wanted to help battered women put their lives back together. I wanted
to do pro-bono work, and I wanted to find my identity, my place in
the world. It’s not that I didn’t think children would be
a wonderful addition to our family if we wed; I