Free Attack of the Mutant Underwear by Tom Birdseye Page B

all grades, kindergarten through fifth. Lots of kids are going to try out. Not this kid, though. I can’t sing, and the only instrument I play is my CD player. I’m good at running, and basketball, but neither of them are talent show stuff.
    Amy and Libby said they’re going to try out, maybe sing a song. Amy has a great voice. She’s good at everything. MC is going to try out, too. She’s going to sing an Elvis tune—“Hound Dog.” Can’t wait.

Thursday, February 1
    Emma hissed and actually tried to bite me this afternoon when I lifted her onto the Kitty Whiz plastic toilet seat. And me trying to make life easier for her. After all, she wouldn’t have to scratch around in that dusty old kitty litter anymore.
    Friday, February 2
    Sat near Amy today at lunch. She laughed when I stuck an orange peel in my mouth so it looked like I had orange teeth. She’s got a good sense of humor.
    Sunday, February 4
    Locked Emma in the bathroom with the Kitty Whiz so she couldn’t help but get the Kitty Whiz idea. She pooped on the floor.
    Dad says I’m confusing her. Mom says this is not what we need right now. MC says she’s glad she didn’t waste her money on Kitty Whiz.
    Here’s what I say: ARRRRGGGGHHHH!
    Tuesday, February 6
    Dreamed about Amy last night. Saw her first thing at school. Thought about my dream and got embarrassed. She said, “What’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.”
    Wednesday, February 7
    Libby says that Amy says that Jordy says that MC says that I drew a picture of Amy in my journal.
    I said, “I don’t even have a journal.”
    Which would make this the I Don’t Have a Journal journal, which is twisting the truth around in a very Old Me way, I know. But MC made me do it. It’s her fault.
    Thursday, February 8
    Ran relay races in PE. Amy and I were on the same team. I ran first and beat Tyler. Then Libby ran and we fell behind. Emerson ran third (more like waddled, really), and we got way behind. Amy ran last. Wow! I didn’t know she could run that fast. She passed up Zach, which really bugged him, and we won!
    Talent show tryouts were today. Amy and Libby got in, of course. They’ll sing a song called “Pizza Love” that is really funny. They’re worried, though, because they’ve only got a month to practice. When they sang it for me, I told them, “It sounds great right now!” and clapped really loud. Amy smiled.
    Walked into Mattingly’s Department Store this afternoon and they had Valentine’s underwear on display—white with red hearts all over them.
    No, I am not going to get a pair, even if I am in love. No way, no how! End of discussion.
    Well, almost end of discussion. I was staring at the heart-covered boxers when a sales clerk in squeaky shoes walked up and asked if I needed any help. Without thinking, I said, “Sometimes I get the feeling that the underwear of the universe are out to get me. Would you mind putting these back in their spaceship?”
    Her mouth dropped open. “Uh …” was all she could get out before I caught myself and said, “Just kidding.”
    Friday, February 9
    Ralphster got out of his TV cage today during lunch period. (He must have heard we were having burritos and wanted some, too.) Amy discovered he was gone when we came back in from recess. She panicked and almost started to cry.
    Guess who found Ralphster under the sink counter? And got a note from Amy with THANK YOU written in BIG letters?
    Cody Lee LOVERBOY Carson, that’s ME!
    Sunday, February 11
    I was downtown this afternoon with Mom and MC and saw Amy across the street coming out of the movie theater. I started to yell hello, but then I saw that she was with a boy. They were walking side by side and laughing together.
    When I got home, I paced back and forth in my room until I couldn’t stand it anymore and dialed Amy’s number. Her mom answered and