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stony.
    “No,” I said more calmly. I straightened up as tall as I could. “I am an expert. I am the author of ‘A Dangerous Dress.’ ”
    “She is,” Irene urged Gerard.
    “I will find your dress,” I said to Gerard in my most expert-like tone. Then for good measure I added, “I will find you . . . the perfect dress.”
    Gerard leaned close and looked in my eyes, as if he could see right inside my head. I held my breath. Irene held her breath.
    I was probably starting to turn blue when Gerard turned to Irene and said, “She will know it. She will see it, and she will know. She will find it.”
    And with that he strode away. Irene scurried after him.
    “You’re going to need a lot of help from the French,” said a voice behind my back. I spun around to find PA Jamie scrutinizing her clipboard.
    “What?”
    She looked up. “The French. You’re going to need their help. So you need to know how to speak to them.”
    Which right away got me worried about not speaking French.
    “They all speak English now,” said Jamie. “Anybody who says they don’t, they’re just pretending to give you a hard time. But if they give you a hard time, you probably started the conversation wrong.”
    “How do I start the conversation right?”
    “Always start politely. After that you can be as rude and demanding as you want.”
    “How do I start politely?”
    “Always say ‘Bonjour.’ Unless it’s evening, then say ‘Bonsoir.’ Unless you’re interrupting somebody. Which could be even if they’re not doing anything or talking to anybody. If they think you’re interrupting them, you are. Then you say ‘Excusez-moi.’ ”
    “How will I know if they think I’m interrupting?”
    Jamie sighed and rolled her eyes. “You just have to figure it out. It’s very, very important.”
    And with that she walked away. Leaving me there without a clue. Again.
    “Why is she still here?” demanded a voice behind me.
    I spun around again. As I spun, I wondered if Movie People always sneak up behind you.
    Gerard Duclos was back. Irene, too. Gerard turned to Irene. “Well?”
    Just then a tall thin pretty young blonde woman came up to the table. At least she didn’t sneak up behind us. I thought she was PA Jamie until I took a second look. In fact, she was somebody else. PA Allison, to be exact. Movies have lots of PAs. “Kathy doesn’t like her room,” said PA Allison.
    “She will learn to love it,” Gerard Duclos said.
    “She doesn’t even like it,” PA Allison said.
    “All right,” he said, “she will only learn to like it. She must find the spirit.” And with that, he shooed the young woman away. I guess I looked curious. “Kathy Bates,” he said to me. “She is our Gertrude Stein. It is quite brilliant.”
    So now you know. The Kathy who Elliot Schiffter was talking about is Kathy Bates.
    I was trying to get my brain around the notion that Kathy Bates, who is a big movie star, was in this movie. My movie. And staying in this hotel. My hotel. Only then Irene spoke up.
    “If she is going to find the dress,” Irene said to Gerard Duclos, “she must first see the body that will wear it.”

13
    “T he body that will wear it.” That is exactly what Irene said. Not “the person who will wear it.” It sounded odd to me. Like she was talking about a thing, not a woman. But I figured it was probably a translation glitch. Although both of them spoke English extremely well.
    “Of course,” said Gerard. He stood up, Irene and I stood up, and I followed them out of the breakfast room, through the lobby, and up the stairs to the second floor, which in Paris they call the first floor. Do not ask me why.
    We walked to room 111, and Gerard knocked. When he didn’t hear anybody inside say anything, he opened the door anyway. There was somebody inside. Boy, was there ever.
    “This is our star,” Gerard Duclos said. “Nathalie Gauloise.”
    I feel obligated to say something about Nathalie Gauloise, because I have