Free Love Rewards The Brave by Anya Monroe

knuckles.
     
    “Over here, Miss.”
     
    The nurse ushers me into a room
    the social worker guy here, too.
     
    And my
    Benji
    Boy.
     
    I’m dizzy, need the wall to stand.
    The bright white snow is falling
    lights in the hospital
    room are glowing
    I can’t see much
    I suddenly feel blindfolded.
    Black.
     
    Black is the color of his eyes
    and that is with them closed,
    but I know what’s hidden behind
    without
    him even opening them
    up.
     
    His wrists are wrapped in more white.
    Nice and tight
    looks like the bandages gave a fair fight.
    I’m scared of what I might
    hear
    if I ask questions
    about why he’s
    here.
     
     

91.
     
    On the way over Ms. Francine tried
    to prepare, make me aware
    of what had happened.
    The details still unclear.
    But one thing was certain
    blood dripped where it shouldn’t have been
    the ambulance running
    the moment someone found him
    still.
     
    But still
    breathing.
     
    And now he’s sleeping.
    Strapped down for safety (his own).
    I want to wake him up and yell in his face
    I know our lives have been
    shitty and fucked up
    but what is he thinking?
    He is trying to leave
    me
    too.
     
    All I want is us to go back
    to the room we occupied so many years ago
    sleeping under the
    moonlight
    after we gave up our fight.
    Back then
    we were at least in it
    together.
    We promised we would be
    forever.
    But now Benji’s is trying hard to go
    alone.
    I sit in a chair,
    not knowing what to say
    to the social worker guy who clearly
    wants to
    “talk about it.”
    I ignore
    his looks in my direction
    I’m not looking for a
    connection.
    Right now I need to focus my eyes
    my thoughts and
    my
    no longer
    half-assed prayers
    up to the great beyond
    so that Benji
    will wake up
    Whole.
     
     

92.
     
    “Benji?” I whisper.
     
    I’ve been sitting ready
    steady, feeling heavy
    on this still same chair
    scared to go anywhere.
    Watching the clock tick-tock
    wanting him to wake so we could talk
    it out.
    I’m not wanting to shout
    I just want to know where he went
    what it meant
    for us.
     
    “Lou-Lou?”
     
    He looks at me and I see that boy again.
    The one I was scared I’d lost forever
    the one I promised to be beside whatever
    the weather.
    For better or worse.
    I know those kind of promises can be hard to keep
    I know that most people wouldn’t expect it,
    but
    Benji and me?
    We’re not most people.
     
    “Benji, you scared me. So much. I can’t lose you.”
     
    I choke out the words
    hoping they’ll
    reach
    him somewhere
    inside.
    But I can tell he wants to hide
    because he turns
    his face from me.
    I take his hand.
    The hand I want to hang onto
    thinking if it is wrapped in mine
    then he’ll never
    find
    a way to leave.
     
    “Why did you try to go?” I ask.
     
    Trying to keep my blurry
    heart from getting caught up
    in my eyes.
    He doesn’t answer.
     
    “That might be enough for today, Louisa, Benji needs to rest. He’s had quite a day and they are going to be discharging him from the ER soon.”
     
    I look over at the social worker guy
    wondering when he got here?
    Wondering if he never left?
    I swear the world had emptied for a minute there
    as I confessed
    my fears.
     
    “Where will he go?” I ask.
     
    “Somewhere where he’ll be safe. I’m sorry, Louisa, I’m not permitted to tell you more, until we have the plans worked out. You won’t be apart of the decision because you’re not his guardian.”
     
    Maybe not his guardian,
    but the only one who can
    Guard Him.
     
    “Fine. I just need to hear him say something, anything, before I can go.” I try again, “Benji, I love you. We are going to be okay, okay?”
     
    He flinches at those words and
    pulls his hand from mine
    and those blurry tears appear and suddenly
    define
    the moment for me us.
    Unclear.
     
    “No, Lou-Lou, we’re not.”
     
    His head is still turned from mine
    and I can’t see his face,
    but I can recount
    the times Benji has said no to me.
    Not once.
     
     

93.
     
    I’m a