Free Just a Little Honesty by Tracie Puckett Page B

Dad. And then… Rebecca and Molly showed up, and all hell broke loose. I lost you, and I’m not really sure I ever had you. We went on what… two dates in the matter of months? I can’t remember spending more than a few hours with you in the time that we were ‘together.’ And, like an idiot, I never took the time to ask the questions a boyfriend is supposed to ask. I don’t know what you want from life. Are you going to college in the fall? Have you even applied anywhere? Are you going to strike out on your own and give life a shot? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have children? Do you want the same things from life that your parents had? Or are you chasing after something completely different? Who are you? What do you want, Julie?”
    His questions were all reasonable, and though I’d never taken the time to vocalize my aspirations, I vaguely knew what I wanted from life.
    “I’m not any closer to knowing what I want do about college than I was nine months ago,” I said, thinking back to how much I’d hated the stupid job-shadowing project that’d started all of this. “I loved working on the Fall Ball, and putting the holiday parade together, sure. I think I’m good at executing things like that, but it doesn’t feel realistic enough to work in the long run.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to think of all the questions he’d asked me. “I don’t even know what dress I’m wearing to graduation, so please don’t expect me to know what I want to do months after I get my diploma. College is probably not going to happen right away. I don’t even know if that’s something I want for myself.” I tried not to smirk as I answered the next question, but it was hard not to considering how he’d first asked. “Yes, I want to get married. I want to experience falling in love to the point of complete bliss; I want to create a happily ever after with someone who loves me as passionately as I love him. I want everything my parents had, Luke. I want to marry the man I love. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night. And… just like my parents,” I said, fighting my tears. “I want to die in his arms.” A single tear slid down my cheek as I watched his begin to well. “I want a family, Luke; of course I want children. And I’d stay in Oakland forever if it meant that my children got to be loved, hugged, and spoiled by Charlie and Matt.”
    Luke simply smirked, so I took that as an indication that I’d answered everything to his satisfaction. I didn’t want to stay up any longer and let the night get any more confusing than it already had. I’d only come down looking for answers about Derek, and somehow I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I wanted—or didn’t want—from life.
    “I think I’ll just go to bed.”
    “Julie,” Luke said, standing up just as I started to walk away. I turned back and watched as he shrugged. “I’m an asshole, I know.”
    “Glad we’re on the same page.”
    “I’ve made you’re life a living hell these past few months, and I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I’m not asking for you to love me, and I’d never dare ask again for your forgiveness; I know I don’t deserve it. But I don’t want you to walk away and think that I don’t know just how bad I screwed up. I know, and I have to live with that.”
    He half-smiled, and I couldn’t help but do the same.
    “I think Derek’s a good guy,” he said, and I could see that it almost pained him to admit that out loud. “You came down here looking for honesty, and that’s what you’re going to get. I’ll never trust him with you, but that’s only because he’s not me. I know he can’t protect you the way I can. And I know for damn certain that he’ll never love you like I do. But I want you to be happy, and if Derek is what makes you happy… tell me, and I won’t stand in your way.”
    My chest rose with a few heavy breaths as I watched Luke’s eyes softly reflect