Free Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, "Found" Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts by David Shields, Matthew Vollmer

probaly won’t come anyway. They lazy. Anyway, all they do is take me outside say some shit an let me go. Security always let me go.
    So then she tell somebody to go get security Right Now an I see these comfortable chairs near the teacher desk so I sit down.
    Cause I like to be comfortable.
    She says get up, I can’t sit there. She says I don’t belong here. So I say, YOU don’t belong here. But it’s time so I stand up an I reach inta my pocket—not that I’m needin the paper cause I got it memorized since I wrote it, an anyway it sposed to be spoke on the mic in the first place, not tacked onta some wack hallway bulletin board, an WHO GOT THE MIC NOW?! Ha, yeah. Who. Got. The Mic. Now.
    You hearin me?
    Ha.
    If. I.
    By Nessa .
    If I was.
    If I was a liquid.
    If I was a liquid I be
    Sierra Mist.
    Clear an sweet with bubbles.
    Spicin up your party.
    Cool in a can.
    Smooth in a cup.
    But if you spill me, no need to mop up.
    I’ll be out. Risin, jumpin,
    Evaporatin.
    Nowhere for spilled mist to go
    cept up.
    ha.
    who out there hearin that?
    I said , you hearin that?
    Sound nice on the mic, right?
    Yeah. Well. That was what I was gonna. But I don’t .
    Cause she still sayin you dont, an I know she wont hear nothin til she shuts up bout the please leave call security shit, an starts respectin, an I standin an she still not respectin so I think I’ll havta do somethin more for her to be respectin me so I yell boo in her face, an I grab that poem paper an this kicked Doritos bag I got in my pocket and I put em in the microwave and I turn up the dial high and it go right out into flames.
    An she fast that teacher. She fast. She like run or leap or something. She O.D.’n now, screamin hey or somethin and then she openin the door and she take out that bag—with her bare hands—an she stomp on it. And all the kids are sayin, Oh shit, and laughin. An I laugh too. Cause I like to see people tryin to put out fires.
    An she finish an look up to me an she sayin she don’t know where security is but I am to leave. Right. Now.
    An somebody say Oh shit.
    An I look behind me an I see she didn get it all. She put out the bag, but she didn see the poem an maybe it fly out still burnin, cause some flames jumpin outta papers on her desk and she tryin to fast over there now and I stop laughin cause she comin through me to get to there and thinkin she can push me now and I say DON’T YOU TOUCH ME! Pushin me out the way an sayin go, get out NOW.
    But I say DON’T YOU PUSH ME. And I take the other tack outta my pocket and I go like THIS. I get right up close to her face—she wasn’t liking that, right?
    You like my polish, right? I’m telling her, my nails is niiiiiiiice, right? And I tell her to MIND HER BUSINESS. I say, DON’T TOUCH ME. You can’t put me out like I’m some busted up bag full of crumbs. I. Don’t. Like. You. What’s your NAME? WHAS YOUR NAME? I DON’T LIKE YOU!
    And somebody sayin FIRE.
    An she get behind me someway sayin EVERYBODY OUT. An she spillin juice on the desk an slammin a coat down. An Malique run out, with a bang on the door yellin,
    School burnin DOWN! Evybody DISmissed!
    An evybody hollerin and grabbin they bookbags and booking out the door and bang, bang, banging on they way out. Cept me, cause I’m not leavin Til.
    An the teacher she look up an she see me still here an she sayin GO. LEAVE. NOW.
    An I’m saying CHILL. I go when I get it.
    An she lookin at me now like I speakin some Chinese or shit an she say GET WHAT?!
    MY SNACK.
    I want my snack. Thas all.
    MY snack. I heard you need a slip to get it. So, can I have one?
    She starin at me and squintin an maybe it’s cause some smoke has started risin an maybe it’s makin it hard to be seein me. An the smoke has started cause the pretty green papers is catchin an my fire be startin up the wall now. She see that an turn to it like she don’t believe what she seein an her eyes are all big and startin to water like thas all she got left to