Free 2007-Eleven by Frank Cammuso

know why Herb golfs with two pairs of pants?
    It’s in case he gets a
hole
in
one!
    THIS GOLF GAME IS NINETY-FIVEPERCENT MENTAL, ELSA, SO YOU NEED MENTAL CLOTHES. THE KEY HERE IS THE COLORS, BECAUSE YOU DEFINITELY CAN SEE THESE GUYS COMING. YOU REALLY GOTTA LOOK HARD TO FIND COLORS LIKE THAT, AND BENNY HAS DONE A HECK OF A JOB HERE. I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE GOT THESE COLORS. THERE MUST’VE BEEN A SALE SOMEPLACE. HE MUST’VE FOUND SOME HIGHWAY-SIGN PAINT DOWN IN HIS BASEMENT. I MEAN, THESE ARE THE KIND OF COLORS YOU WEAR FOR HUNTING, SO THE OTHER GUY DOESN’T SHOOT YOU. YOU WEAR THESE COLORS, AND PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE OPPRESSED. I GUARANTEE YOU THAT.
    Stand back, John, and paint it black! Here comes Brian, our classic rocker, who plans to get some “satisfaction” at the Rolling Stones tribute show! Brian’s faux ponytail dangles into his tie-dyed T-shirt, and his torn jeans are kept in place by both a belt and suspenders. Sandals enclose his dark socks—one black, one navy—and Brian’s fanny pack holds the essentials: earplugs, binoculars, and“stash.” And that aroma creeping our way, John, is the new fragrance by Calvin Klein,
Oppression,
a ruddy mix of Desenex and Absorbine Jr.
    YOU KNOW BENNY’S INTO IT WHEN HE’S MIXING UP THE SMELLS. BUT THE KEY HERE, I THINK, IS THE BELT-SUSPENDERS COMBO. IN THIS LEAGUE, YOU GOTTA HAVE BACKUPS. I MEAN, WHAT IF THE SUSPENDERS GO? THEN YOUR PANTS WOULD BE DOWN AT YOUR ANKLES! CAN’T STRESS IT ENOUGH. YOU GOTTA HAVE BACKUPS.
    Look, John! Here’s Ted, kissing his wife goodbye, as he heads off for a grueling weekend business trip. His gray flannel suit with white shirt and power tie, coupled with his briefcase and black loafers, illustrate Ted’s “nose to the grindstone” approach to the job. Nevertheless, all work and no play makes Ted a dull boy. So with one strategic pull on the zipper (the suit reverses), here’s
Teddy—
in full-body leather bondage gear, with matching love-slave collar! John? John?
    And now for a change of pace. Here comes Ed, hiking merrily to his secret paramilitary convention! Whether you’re a soldier of fortune or an unfortunatesoldier, this ensemble will have the fashion militia shouting, “A-ten-chun!” Ed’s traditional camouflage suit, courtesy of Benny’s Army-Navy Store, opens to reveal a black screaming-skull T-shirt. Atop his khaki bandanna rests a pair of low-light goggles, and slung over Ed’s shoulder is a fully loaded M-16. And, John, check out Benny’s ironic note here: jackboots!
    TO ME, THIS MILITIA THING IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. IF BENNY IS GOING TO CREATE STYLES, IF HE IS GOING TO SELL CLOTHES, IF HE IS GOING TO SHOW THE ALIENATION OF WHITE MALES, HE NEEDS THESE GUYS. THE GUN NUTS HAVE GOT TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE BALL GAME. BECAUSE THESE ARE THE REAL CRAZIES. THEY REALLY THINK THEY’RE OPPRESSED—THEY FIGURE EVERYBODY’S OUT TO GET THEM. YOU HEAR THE OTHERS’ NAMES CALLED ALL THE TIME—YOUR OLLIE NORTHS, YOUR G. GORDON LIDDYS, YOUR RUSH LIMBAUGHS—BUT THEY’VE GOTTEN SOFT. THESE MILITIA TYPES, THEY DON’T TALK, THEY DON’T VOTE, THEY DON’T PAY TAXES, THEY JUST STARE AT YOU. SOIF THERE’S GOING TO BE PERSECUTION OF WHITE MALES, THESE ARE THE GUYS WHO’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN!
    Apparently, we’re out of time. For
Style,
I’m Elsa Klensch reminding everyone: You’re the victim, so dress like one!

Story Days

    Songs by Phil Collins boosted this summer’s hit animated

motion picture
Tarzan.
Is this the future of rock?
    T his summer, treat your family to a musical spectacular of mystery and wonder, a story that has delighted working men and women for ages! Walt Disney Motion Pictures presents the magical tale of a young sprout from Jersey who was born to climb.…
    In the deep dark woods or out on the street

Of a runaway American gloom,

At night we climb extensions of flora

From suicide legumes.…
    Yes, the beanstalk’s jammed with broken heroes when the fantasy of Walt Disney and the morality of Bruce