Free Dead Stars by Bruce Wagner Page B

like one of those hot bored MILFs you see at Anthropologie or Trader Joe’s . . . I’d like to hook
my
thumb in her jeans! Cause I ain’t all about the juvies. Like to get that perimenopausal kite string—a clear shot. Ain’ never gunna happen. A guy can dream, can’t he?”
    â€œSure, Harry. Got to.”
    â€œYou can make 200,000 a year, minimum.”
    Jerzy pulled out a joint and lit up. He had the very strong notion it was OK & it was.
    â€œMinimum.
Guaranteed.
But you gotta be
serious
. You gotta be diligent. You gotta eat, sleep & drink THE HONEYSHOT! It’s all about longevity, Jerzy Shores, & persistence of vision. You want to do right by all the
beauties.
All the babes in toyland soon to be appearing in a chauffeured Escalade near you: I’m talking Hailee Steinfeld. I’m talking Elle. I’m talking
Madonna’s kid
—Jesus H! Between the two of em, Hailee and Lourdes could support the depilatory industry without any help! I am guessing there are rumored
bales
of hair down there. And Elle ain’t ethnic, as you know, Elle’s
fair
, but sometimes the fair ones can surprise you in the southern regions . . .
Elle’s fair in love and war—
    mirror mirror on the wall
    who’s the hairest 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    â€”—————there is a
serious
bumper crop a-comin! New muffs & mufflers,
major
single lady bidness up ahead!
Kylie Jenner
is
seriously
on the tote—she’s
five-ten,
did you know that? Of course, my Christmas wish would be to have something
beforehand
, a sextape, or a topless—I can dream, right? O Jesus, I want that one almost as much as I wanted Emma. Maybe just as much, who knows, the’s a funny thing.
    â€œI’m gunna give you a special assignment, Jerzy Shores, think you’re ready for a special assignment? I don’t want to wait anymore. As long as I don’t put em out there, don’t got to wait for the single ladies to be legal. Understand? I’ll pay
5,000
for any you bring in, no one’s gunna have a clue what you’re up to, how could they. It ain’t even against the law unless you
upload
. That’s what got Perez in trouble, he should have kept Miley to himself. This is between you and me—little keepsakes. Because the world is going to hell & I don’t want to wait anymore, it’s fuckin too hard on me. I want to see what I can
now
. I want to see the
world
. I don’t want to wait for the Willows. I want Judy Moody’s too . . . . . . . . . that’s right, go out and get me Chloë, get me Hailee, get me Elle! Get me little Sally Draper, get me fuckin Ariel Winter . . . don’t be shy! I’ll take Rebecca Black, she’s got a forest growing down there. Kendall too. Kylie I’m more interested in but I wouldn’t turn my nose up at Kendall. I’d do
something
with my nose, but I wouldn’t turn it up! Get me Janet
Devlin 
. . . the devlin made me do it! Get me
Drew Ryniewicz 
. . . get me Sophia Grace and Rosie the Hype Girl! Rosie the Riveter! I wanna see
axe wounds
, I wanna see
movie SCARS . . .
get me to the
geek.
Marc Anthony’s kid—Ariana’s 18 soon. Michael Fox’s twins. Get
palsy
with em—should be a walk in the parkinsons! I want to see the Depp kid. A little depp’l do me
.
And the Baldwin girl, Ireland. Go ahead, get your 30 rocks off &
pig out
on that thoughtless pig!
    â€œBut I’m thinking ahead, son,
way
ahead. About all the little ones who become part of the family, the national quilt, over the years, cause it takes a village
.
I’m thinking of all the little ones, the Suris and the Shilohs! (The Suri with the fringe on bottom.) The Obama girls—they are not ungettable nor are they sacrosanct. THE HONEYSHOT! is
out
there, THE HONEYSHOT! is its own rite of passage, THE HONEYSHOT! is a
visionquest
, out