Free Giggling Into the Pillow by Chris Bridges

clenched on the table, is
“Martha”: 56, weathered, covered from neck to ankles in a shapeless
black dress, face set in a grimace and ready to exhibit disapproval
over all the questions I haven't asked yet. We have introduced
ourselves, we have experienced coffee, and there is the promise of
fudge sundaes later. We're ready.
     
    HI: So. (long pause) Gettin' any?
    Susie: Any what?
    Meryl: That's a damn personal question, miss, pardon my
french.
    Martha: And mighty impertinent, too. Didn't your mama teach you any
better than that?
    HI: Um, but this is what I asked you all here to…
    Meryl: I thought we'd be talking about, you know, living a single
life, or how to handle the finances without two incomes, or stuff
like that.
    Susie: The problems when you raise a child on your own.
    Martha: I'm not single anyway, I'm a widow. My Jackson is with me
every day of my life. Can't rightly say I'm single
a'tall.
    Meryl: Maybe about the difficulties of finding the right person, or
even questioning the social pressure to pair off even if it's not
the right choice for you.
    HI: But our readers, pardon my french, don't give a shit. They
want to hear about your sex lives. What you do, what you don't,
what you wish you did, and what you regret ever doing, in full
detail.
    Martha: I never discussed intimate matters even with my Jackson, even
when we were engaged in it. I ain't about to start now.
    Meryl: Well, your readers can go to hell, miss. I don't feel the need
to embarrass myself, undermine my own self-esteem and self-worth in
any way, just to increase your circulation. You media types are a
little too quick to focus on the sexual aspects just to sell
magazines faster, and that only serves to reinforce the idea that
sex itself is the end-all and be-all of life. Well, it isn't, and
it shouldn't be. Maybe that sort of thing goes on in the city, but
we're respectable, Bible-fearing folk.
    Martha: Well said.
    HI: I'm very sorry you feel that way, ladies. But, just so it's
not a total loss, let me go get those fudge sundaes, be right back.
(gets up, grabs purse, disappears into “staff-only” kitchen
area)
    Susie: (whispers) What was she asking
about?
    Meryl: Oh, she just wanted to hear about your sex life,
Carol.
    Susie: “Susie”! Remember, I'm “Susie”.
    HI: Here we are, ladies! (hands out bowls
of fudge sundaes, everyone digs in, Hilda puts down her
mysteriously lighter purse)
    Martha: (muttering) Your ice cream's
off.
    Meryl: Mom, um, “Martha”, be nice. You don't criticize someone's
cooking where they can hear you, what were you thinking?
    Susie: I like it. Can I have another?
     
(time passes, more sundaes are
consumed)
     
    HI: (brightly) So I guess there's nothing
to say about your sex lives?
    Susie: (swaying) Oh ho, I could tell you some
stuff, lady, I surely could.
    Meryl: (somewhat disorientated) Susie,
contain yourself. She's always been like this, ever since high
school. That's why she got knocked up so fast.
    Susie: (giggling, using her index finger to scoop up the last little
bit of fudge in her bowl) No, I got knocked
up so fast cuz Jimmy Gruno had a beer can dick and we couldn't fit
the little rubber things over it. Whee!
    Martha: (muttering) Def'nitly off, I c'n taste
it. There's some ice cream been left out just a bit too long, if
I'm any judge.
    Meryl You coulda waited until after high school, you know. Plenty of
us did.
    Susie: (muffled giggling, behind her hands) Oh, you waited all right. Waited til you could get home and
get that pillow between your legs!
    Meryl: Carol! I told you that in confidence, when we was grown and
you were worried you touched yourself too much! You have no right
to broadcast it that way!
    Susie: (loudly whispering to the others) I
saw that pillow, too. Worn down to the feathers.
    Meryl: Hmph.
    Susie: (overly dignified) And it's
“Susie.”
    HI: Ladies, masturbation is a perfectly natural, healthy practice.
There's no reason to be ashamed of it in this day and
age.
    Meryl: There's