Free When I Was Five I Killed Myself by Howard Buten Page A

said.
    â€œIt sounds like you’re singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel,’” she said. (But it sounded exactly like the record. Exactly.)
    The next day I didn’t even have nerves, which surprised me but I didn’t. I got up and had breakfast and Shrubs called for me like always and then he went into the den and stole candy out of Mom’s glass thing like always, and we went. I told him that maybe I would get Zorro from Maxwell’s and he said, “Goll.”
    At belltime I had ants in my pants. (Not really ants.) We had Ackles the Science teacher for belltime. She is from the South, she calls us “folks.” And also she has a book that she gives you an E in when you’re bad. She calls them “big fat E’s.” That morning Marty Polaski got up for Show and Tell. He said, “Yesterday I was athome building an electric chair when I had an accident and cut off my finger. But I picked it up off the floor and put it in a little box so I wouldn’t lose it. And here it is.” He took out a little white box and inside was cotton and on the cotton was his finger. Miss Ackles turned white like she was going to ralph. Marcie Kane layed down on the floor, she died. And then Marty showed us, there was a hole in the bottom of the box that he stuck his finger through. (He got a big fat E from Miss Ackles.)
    Then a girl came into the room and said, “Would the finalists for the Grade Three Spelling B please come with me to room 215.” And I went.
    In room 215 all the children stood against the wall like a firing squad. Miss Iris and Miss Krepnik sat in the middle of the room on teachers’ chairs. Miss Krepnik took her mean pills, you could tell. I stood across from the window side of the room and looked out. It was Fall and the leaves were falling off the trees. They went bald.
    Room 215 is Miss Iris’ room. It still had the bulletin board in it that I made for Open House. (Open House is when you come to school at night with your parents and stand in line to meet your teachers and hear them lie about you. The bulletin board was of a horse that said “Gallopin’ Good Grades!” and they put papers on it. I made it. I am an artist, I am good at drawing. Miss Verdon the Art teacher says I have talent. I like to make bulletin boards. You get to use teachers’ scissors which are pointy and could put an eye out.)
    When everyone was quiet Miss Iris told us the rules of the Spelling B.
    â€œWe will ask each student one word at a time. You may ask us to repeat it. You may ask us to use it in a sentence, but once you begin to spell we can’t say anything else and you can’t change your mind once you’ve begun.”
    Then the door opened. It was Miss Lipincott. She is a teacher. She had someone with her. She was pulling her by the arm. It was Jessica.
    â€œNow you just take your place with the others, young lady,” Miss Lipincott said. “Hurry up.”
    Jessica gave Lipincott a dirty look. She had a book with her. It was black, from the library. “You’ll have to put the book down, young lady,” said Miss Krepnik. “You can’t have a book with you during the Spelling B.”
    â€œI had to practically drag her here,” said Lipincott.
    â€œWhy?” asked Miss Iris.
    Lipincott turned to Jessica and said, “Why?”
    â€œHow the hell should I know?” said Jessica. (It was nasty language. In front of teachers, everyone froze.)
    â€œI’m not going to encourage that filthy mouth of yours by pursuing this further,” said Lipincott. “Now you just put that book under a desk and we’ll get on with this.”
    Jessica waited for a minute, but she put the book under a desk. Miss Krepnik said, “Thank you, Fran,” to Miss Lipincott, who left.
    Then the Spelling B started.
    Miss Krepnik asked Mike Funt brat.
    â€œCould you use it in a sentence, please?” said Mike.
    â€œYes. He is a