Free Alex as Well by Alyssa Brugman Page B

the applicationwould put the applicant’s life in danger.’
    How could their life be in danger? ‘What do you mean?’
    He folds his hands. ‘When the judge felt the applicant may self-harm,’ he clarified. ‘The questions from the judge may tend in that direction. You might need to see a psychologist.’
    I lean back in my chair. ‘You mean I should tell the judge that if I don’t get a new birth certificate that says I am a girl I will top myself? Isn’t that, like, holding the judge to ransom?’
    ‘Would you?’ He tilts his head to the side like a bird. ‘Self-harm, I mean?’
    ‘It hasn’t even crossed my mind.’
    It has, though. Just between you and me. You know that expression, ‘dying from embarrassment’? After the thing that happened at the other school, it did cross my mind. I can’t even bear to think about it. Think about something else, quick. Think about Amina.
    I try smiling, but my lip twitches.
    Crockett feels sorry for me. He pretends to be writing notes, but I think he is doodling. ‘It’s a bit more complicated than that,’ he says. ‘When I looked it up, I saw there have been several cases where applicants needed to have their new sex on their passports because they were going overseas specifically to have their gender reassigned surgically. Do you think you will be pursuing surgery when you’re older?’
    I blush, ‘I um, don’t need to.’
    ‘You what?’ He is surprised. ‘I’m sorry to pry, but I need to know the particulars.’
    ‘The particulars?’
    Crockett is asking about our noodle, Alex explains.
    ‘I have…’ I’m struggling. ‘Well, I don’t have a scrotum. At all. I have…More of…What I mean is, what I refer to as…’
    Crockett waits, biting his lip. He is pulling the yicky face. Weirdly fascinated, the way he would look at road kill.
    ‘And I have started to grow breasts, I think. Since…’
    Since you stopped taking the medication, Alex finishes. I go redder, but not because I am embarrassed. We’re putting two and two together. I think again about my parents and what they told me.
    Because she called it my noodle, when I was small. That’s her word. They sat me down and said I was a bit different to other boys.
    You think? Alex drawls.
    But don’t worry about it, she said. Everyone has parts that are different. Some people have more hair than others, some people have different-coloured eyes, or harelips, or birthmarks. My noodle was like a birthmark. I have to take the medication because I am a bit different to other boys. Lots of people take pills or tablets for lots of reasons. Daddy takes them for his blood pressure. Most people take some kind of medication, they told me.
    I just hadn’t joined the dots before. Medication… and…being…a…boy.
    I start again. ‘Let me just say that I have looked up normal parts, and what I have is a…foot in each camp.’
    ‘Right,’ he says, blankly. ‘But, where do you…’
    ‘Where do I…’ I wait.
    He’s clicking his pen against his teeth. ‘Where do you urinate from, I mean. Because if you wee from an appendage, then you would be male, and if you wee from not your appendage then you would be female, right? I mean, it’s kind of, physiologically, kind of…’ He trails off again.
    I sigh. ‘It would probably be easier if I showed you.’ I stand up, putting my hand on the fly of my shorts.
    ‘No!’ He pushes back from the desk.
    ‘Want me to draw you a picture?’ I offer.
    ‘No, please!’ His eyes are wide with panic. His cheeks have gone red.
    I peel a post-it note from off his desk. ‘I’m going to draw you a picture.’
    ‘Alex! Please don’t. It’s not appropriate.’
    ‘Not appropriate?’ I keep talking while I draw. ‘It’s appropriate, because I’ve always been told not to talk about it, and that’s how things—important things—got missed, like that I am a girl. So it is appropriate, Mr Crockett.’
    He is holding up a manila folder in front of his face like