Free Raging Star by Moira Young

Lugh. Front line, you see? It’s all I know. But when I got took, you managed fine without me. You an Emmi both. You grew stronger. Smarter. An I’m proud of you. But I bin feelin, I dunno … useless. But no more. No more, I swear. Today changed everythin.
    An I know the moment it happened, I says. There at the bridge, when I was holdin on so tight to you. I bin there myself, Lugh, I know that moment. When death leans in to kiss you, to take you, when it’s so close you can smell its breath. An you say no. No, you sonofabitch, you will not have me this time. An you want life so bad an you pull yerself back into it an suddenly everythin’s so clear.
    He’s starin at me an I realize I got my fingers diggin into his arms as I speak, like some crazy person. You got it, he says. That’s it ezzackly. Yer th’only one who’d know how to say it.
    Saba? It’s Tommo. He’s standin not ten foot away, among the trees. Can I talk to you?
    Not now Tommo, I says.
    But I only—
    Later, okay? Lugh turns on him, impatient.
    There’s a moment’s pause. You cain’t read his face in the shadow of the trees. Sorry, he says. Then he’s gone.
    He’s stuck on you, says Lugh. You took his hand today. He’ll take that as encouragement.
    We ain’t talkin about him, I says. We’re talkin about you.
    Yeah, well … today made me realize … He shakes his head. I wish I was good with words, he says. I realized I want so much, Saba. The sky above my head an the sun an the stars an … I wanna feel the earth beneath my feet, in my hands. It’s so little but it’s so much, y’know, it’s … it’s everythin. An yer everythin to me. You an Emmi. You gotta know that.
    He pulls me into his arms an we hold fast to each other.
    Tears heat my eyes. I bin missin you so much, I says, you got no idea. I’m sorry I hurt you, Lugh. I never meant to. I bin selfish an stubborn. Not jest about Jack, but—
    He’s gone, that’s all finished, he says. It’s gonna be okay, Saba. You an me, we’re as we should be. We’re us agin.
    Some good came outta this day after all, I says.
    We got the power to git what we want, he says. One day soon, we’ll have a piece of this good land fer ourselfs. Fer the first time, we’ll live a life that’s worth somethin. Jest like we always dreamed. An we won’t be shackled by the past no more. Don’t worry about Em. We’ll keep her safe.
    I give him a last hard squeeze. I really do gotta go, I says. I start to walk backwards, away from him. See you, I says.
    If I don’t see you first, he says.
    Such a tired old clunker. But it makes us smile every time. I leave him there in the trees, bathed in moonlight. When I take a last look over my shoulder, he’s headed back towards camp.
    My feet skim me through the woods. I’m all speed an starlight. Wolfdog an crow, my companions. An hope don’t jest whisper within me. Now it shouts loud to the night.
    My brother has come back to me.

    There ain’t no better outrider than a wolfdog. Tracker runs on ahead, then fans out an loops around behind me, over an over. We had a month of this, so he’s well-trained. Me, on secret night journeys to meet Jack. Tracker makin sure we don’t run into nobody we oughtn’t. Nero cruises above the treetops, keepin pace with me here on the ground.
    That surge of joy speeds me on the first half league. I’m pure happiness. Lugh took the first step. He opened his arms to me. But as my thoughts creep back in, my feet start to slow.
    It’s gonna be okay, Saba. You an me, we’re as we should be. We’re us agin
.
    I’m foolin myself. To be us would mean that the truth would flow between us like clear water. Jest as it used to. But now I measure it out in fearful drops. Even if I could tell him, even if I told Lugh every single one of my many secrets, until he knows that Jack’s alive an finds a way to accept him, weain’t got no chance of bein us. Not even a new kinda us.
    Lugh took aginst Jack from the off. I thought