Free Mine To Lose by Cate Lockhart

swollen, dry throat. My hand gestures must have betrayed my attempts at clarification because she caught on instantly.
    ‘Now, there’s no damage been done. But we’ll keep you in overnight, just to be a hundred percent sure. I’ll pop in before I officially discharge you with a course of antibiotics to clear up the infection, alright?’
    Just a nod sufficed this time. I was done trying to communicate, yet the crude burn of my flesh around my voice that swelled up to the back of my throat alarmed me. After Dr Pane left, I was elated to see the familiar face of my husband peek around the corner.
    ‘Hey babykins.’ He smiled warmly, flashing me a bouquet of flowers. I smiled. Thank God I could smile! However, just about everything else I tried to do hurt with fury. My hands stung from the little silver bites of syringes and bruises caused by some inept nursing sister, no doubt. All over my body, even the slightest movement of my limbs sent jolts of painful agony through my nerve endings when I tried to reach out for Jordan, but I wasn’t going to deny myself a long embrace from my sweetheart.
    ‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he said as he gently enfolded me in his strong arms. ‘Look at my eyes!’ he said, ‘do you see how bloodshot they are?’ Jordan blessed me with a cosy, loving stare that made my heart jump. I nodded, smiling at his playful reprimand. ‘They’re like this from lack of sleep and worrying about you,’
    Then his face was serious, and he lowered the volume of his ranting to a gentle and genuine admission, ‘I thought I’d lost you. When they brought your lifeless body out of the church, I thought you were dead.’
    His hands caressed me painfully, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his touch hurt me. Jordan’s love was the only constant I had in my life, and I wasn’t going to ask him to keep his affection at bay, not even for the moment or for the sake of alleviation. Right then, I knew that I would take all the pain in the world for the love of my life and by the closeness we shared, even Martha would not part us.
    ‘I— love ...’
    ‘I love you too, babe,’ he said smiling. ‘Don’t try to talk now, alright? Dr Pane said you mustn’t say anything until the rawness in your throat goes away,’ he informed me, sounding equally as insistent as my doctor. I tried to gesture, but Jordan wasn’t too sharp at charades, I’m afraid.
    ‘What is it?’ he asked. ‘Shall I get a pen and paper?’
    I nodded. Whatever it would take for him to understand my inquiry would be fine. From the back of the medical folder, he withdrew a blank piece of paper and pulled his trusty golden Parker from his pocket. ‘Here.’
    I wrote, ‘Where’s Carol?’
    I stared at Jordan, waiting for a decisive answer, but he eluded eye contact with me. Eventually, I slammed my hand against the frame of the bed in anguish to get his attention. Jordan knew he had to report, whether he wanted to or not.
    ‘They released her body yesterday,’ he sighed.
    Yesterday! I scribbled what day is it?
    ‘ Babykins, you’ve been out for two days. From what I read in the paper, she’s being cremated tomorrow.’
    I scrawled Carol’s name in large capital letters. ‘CAROL HER NAME IS CAROL.’
    ‘Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Carol is being cremated tomorrow.’
    At that moment, I could not have wished more to have my voice at my disposal. I had a lot to say and wanted to say it loudly and firmly, but I couldn’t. All I could do was to make sure he could see my discontent. I forced my voice, but all I could muster was a whisper, ‘That bastard! He finally got what he wanted.’
    ‘Don’t speak!’ he warned with more concern than conflict. His hands cupped my jaw gently, and his eyes darted between mine. ‘Try and forget about it. You’ve just got to focus on your own life now. Think about your own needs for a change.’
    Jordan’s voice was urgent and sincere. I could tell that he meant every word. The