Free Mine To Lose by Cate Lockhart Page B

terrible sadness in me. Oh, how alone she must have felt! Such a dreadful, lonely existence she suffered for which her husband still punished her to drive the stake deeper.
    I was doomed to end up like Carol Wicker – a used-up, weary and humiliated woman that endured emotional torments at the hands of those who did not want to allow her the happiness she knew she needed to be free of their persecution.
    At the hands of my husband and his manipulative mother, I would never be allowed to have children. I knew if I didn’t open up to him and tell him the truth, I wouldn’t stand a chance of maybe getting him to change his mind eventually. And if he didn’t change his mind, I would be trapped under their immovable palms to be a good little wife who did as she was told to ensure the happiness of all except her own.
    ‘No matter how James belittled me, my children would have thought the world of me, filled my life with meaning.’
    I could not end up like Carol. I refused! Even if I weren’t planning on having children right away, it would make a world of difference to my disposition and my capacity to be a good wife if I knew that Jordan at least supported my decisions about our life, about my life. Soon, I would have to at least discuss it with him because the secret was slowly killing me inside.
    His mother’s concession to every bad decision he made and her support of him even when she knew he was utterly wrong cultivated this horrendous personality trait in Jordan. Good God, to see a 36-year-old man pouting like a spoilt little boy would surely be something any mother would frown upon. But oh no, not Martha. Her little boy could act like ... well, like her , and still they would both accuse me of being the melodramatic one for always bringing up those damned annoying logical things that threatened to force them to see reason beyond their own selfish needs.
    My tears for Carol’s fate hid quite well my fear for my own. The thought of having to talk about the two obstacles barring me from a happy life made me cry even harder.
    ‘Katie!’ I heard Jordan’s voice, but I ignored him. Thinking of his negative side at that moment escalated my resentment for him, regardless of his current demeanour. This was unfair of me, but in this state of abandon and raw feeling, I honestly couldn’t care less. ‘Babykins, what’s wrong?’ His hands clasped around my wrists, and he pulled me close. ‘Is everything alright?’
    Looking into his concerned eyes, I felt like such a bitch. Jordan had done nothing wrong, and I was punishing him for my own state of mind. ‘I’m fine,’ I whimpered.
    Jordan softly pushed me away from him and cheerfully asked, ‘Did I just hear that sweet voice again? Is your voice back?’ I nodded. Jordan smiled and pulled me painfully against him again, but again, I didn’t alert him to the agony his touch caused me.
    ‘That’s wonderful,’ I heard Martha say from the doorway. My stomach churned with disdain even at the thought that she was there. ‘Her voice and her colour are back, Jordan. Isn’t that just wonderful?’
    ‘Yeah, keep up the fake kindness toward me in front of him, you cowardly witch,’ I hissed in my head. Having my face buried in my husband’s chest and away from her spared me the misfortune of her traitorous countenance.
    ‘Mum’s been so worried about you,’ he said.
    I whispered in his ear, ‘I know, but I don’t want her to see me cry. You know, I don’t want to upset her or worry her about nothing.’
    Naturally he agreed. Why on earth would he want his perfect mummy to be upset unnecessarily? I could feel him motion to her to wait outside in the waiting area, and blissfully I heard no more of her crooked voice.
    ‘It’s okay, she’s waiting outside. Dr Pane is letting you come home, did you know?’ Jordan asked.
    ‘Yes, she was here a minute ago,’ I said with a sniff.
    ‘Then what’s the matter? Why are you crying?’ he asked again, but I had to