Free The Gospel According to Larry by Janet Tashjian Page B

instead.
    â€œIt’s perfect,” I continued. “Just what you always wanted. To be dating a big, stupid, meat-eating jock whose chest measurements are almost as large as your IQ.”
    â€œYou’re being ridiculous.”
    â€œNo, you’re being ridiculous.”
    â€œLook. I thought you could deal with this. I’d crawl into a hole and die if things got weird between us.”
    â€œNo, we’re fine. Just great.” I was the one who wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Emotionally honest? Guess I still wasn’t up to the task.
    She unbuckled the life jacket and hung it on the back of the chair. “I know it’s a giant cliché and I hate to even say it, but can’t …”
    â€œIf this is about us still being friends, forget it!”
    I had never in eight years been truly mad at Beth before. But her insistence on wanting me to be happy that someone else was stealing the
girl I’d always loved right out from under me was more than I could bear. I held open the door and told her I had to take a shower.
    Could she make this any more torturous?
    Of course she could.
    She tilted her face to mine and kissed me on the cheek. “Can’t we work through this?” she asked. “I’m like your sister, for chrissakes.”
    Forgive me, I’m an only child, but don’t brothers do things like push sisters down flights of stairs? Because that’s exactly what I wanted to do—so hard she’d land in the Larsons’ yard. I held open the door until she left.
    When Peter and Katherine came in from shopping, I barely had the energy to say hello.
    â€œLook what I got!” Katherine’s voice was so shrill with excitement it sounded like she’d sucked on a bouquet of helium balloons.
    She pulled a Humpty Dumpty candle out of a bag. “Look at the tie he’s got on—polka dot to match his little hat! Can you stand it?”
    It was extremely difficult to embody Larry’s philosophy when what I wanted to do was tell her what a need-a-life psychotic freak she was. I looked over at Peter who smiled as if Katherine had just come up with a cure for cancer while at the local flea market.

    â€œRemember that Larry Web site you and I were talking about?” he asked. “Some guys at the conference are determined to bring this sicko in. These last few ads of his were too much. Talking about workers in Southeast Asia. Those people are lucky they have jobs.”
    â€œYeah, we’ve sold them the idea of the American dream, and now they’re going to drop dead working till they get it.” I had to get out of here.
    Katherine tested various spots around the kitchen, looking for the perfect place for her new candle. “As I told you before, Peter, it’s just a matter of time before he gets caught.”
    Humpty Dumpty’s bouncing from shelf to shelf in the kitchen made the whole scene even more surreal. “You can’t blame Larry,” I said. “There do seem to be a lot of people buying crap. ” My eyes pinned Katherine to the hutch. She hesitated, then moved Humpty to the counter.
    I slipped the orange life jacket back on over my pajamas. My dreams were trying to tell me something. I was drowning.
    Beth and Peter were the two people closest to me in the world, but the feelings of alienation, disgust, and betrayal squeezed me like a vise—so hard that I had to rest on the edge
of the living room couch to catch my breath. It doesn’t get any worse than this, I thought.
    But I was wrong.
    When the doorbell rang, I answered it.
    A sixtyish woman with gray hair and a floral sundress stood at the door. I smiled at her.
    â€œCan I help you?”
    â€œAre you Josh Swensen?” she asked sweetly.
    â€œYes.”
    â€œYou look familiar.”
    I told her she did too. I tried to register her face. It took several moments, but I did. “I gave you a toothbrush at Larryfest,