Free One Hand Jerking by Paul Krassner

will overdose on Botox.
    â˜ž Saddam Hussein will be sentenced to a lifetime of community service.
    â˜ž Jessica Lynch will become a director.
    â˜ž The stunt doubles for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will get married.
    â˜ž The world’s tallest building, to be built at the site of the World Trade Center, will be sponsored by the Target chain, whose corporate logo of a bull’s-eye a few floors below the spire will be visible for miles.
    â˜ž It will be discovered that Libya has been selling off its weapons of mass destruction to North Korea.
    â˜ž The Patriot Act will be expanded to include thought crimes.
    â˜ž The ACLU and PETA will combine forces to fight for the civil liberties of all animals.
    â˜ž The use of cell phones with cameras for the instant communication of personal porn will bring about pandemic performance anxiety among masturbators.
    â˜ž The reappearance of pubic hair will become so fashionable that bikini waxes will be outlawed.
    â˜ž A combination penis-enlarger and erection-stimulator patch will be invented.
    â˜ž A pill taken daily by men will transform their semen into a contraceptive device.
    â˜ž Strom Thurmond will be tried posthumously for statutory rape.
    â˜ž Jesse Jackson and Johnnie Cochran will compete against each other in a national poetry slam.
    â˜ž Bottled water will be imported from Mars.
    â˜ž There will be an epidemic of genetically engineered crops being inundated with genetically engineered crop circles.
    â˜ž Particles of food will be embedded into dental floss for those who are too busy to eat between flossings.

    â˜ž Dick Cheney’s pacemaker will fail when he tries out the microwave oven he was given for Christmas by Rudy Giuliani.
    â˜ž The Bill O’Reilly action figure dolls will all be recalled because they have a tendency to self-destruct.
    â˜ž Monica Lewinsky and Paris Hilton will enter a convent and become nuns for a reality TV series.
    â˜ž Senator Joe Lieberman will convert to Islam.
    â˜ž God will at last be given credit for creating evolution.
    â˜ž The Second Coming will occur, and Jesus will reveal himself as the antichrist.
    â˜ž And finally, you will definitely not die this year.

BIZARRE SEXUALLY ORIENTED SPAM SUBJECT LINES
    Every one of the spam senders in this informal survey is trying—in the hope that you won’t immediately press the delete key—to entice you into checking out their messages and purchasing their products. In that process, they will sometimes deliberately (but not always delliberately) misspell words in the subject lines of their spams in order to bypass any electronic filters you happen to set up.
    A friend writes to me, “I just upgraded to AOL 9 which has a feature that takes out spam before it gets to you. Theoretically you submit and save a list of words you don’t want in your subject line—in my case some are Viagra, Xanax, cheerleaders and mortgages—then voila ! But, as always, the spammers are one step ahead. Now I’m getting spam for Viagara, Xannax, cheer leaders and mort.gages. I don’t know why they think I’d do business with anyone whose spelling skills were so faulty, but I guess their target audience may not care.”
    And from another friend: “Has anyone had a problem with blocked e-mail? I have had fully one-third of my mail blocked by my ISP that is running Norton’s ‘Barracuda Spam Firewall.’ Phooey ! It blocks e-mail from friends and newsletters
but lets the porn, Viagra and ‘grow your penis pills’ through. I am ticked! Anyone else all of a sudden not hearing from friends?”
    Meanwhile, federal agents have arrested a man for repeatedly making death threats against employees of an Internet advertising firm. He faces a maximum penalty of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine if convicted. He had mistakenly believed that the company was the source of unsolicited e-mail ads he received