Free One Hand Jerking by Paul Krassner Page B

“Men let the pillz do the talking” . . . “Is it time to upgrade your system?” . . . “You will be a sex machine”—(erectile dysfunction) . . . “condolence maverick expedition” . . . “Goodbye to Soft Equipment” . . . “Are you hard at work?”
    â€œYou blocked my ICQ” . . . “ur di.cky is so smalllll” . . . “Enh..anc,e_yo*ur RO . . . D” . . . “G*et a ,*B-UL^;K,Y ‘PO*L;E” . . . “Incr*eas^e :D”IC^-K :LENGTH’ easil’y” . . . “B^oost y-our c’onf ’ide;nc,e” . . . “,T:h_e na_tio*na:l i;nfrast*ru:ctu re i:s fal:li^ng.”
    â€œStay hard for 72 hours”— Editor’s note : Viagra ads in magazines state, “You should call a doctor immediately if you ever have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours. If not treated right away, permanent damage to your penis could occur.”
    This vague subject line—“Hi”—led to this message: “Sometimes people call it ‘Magic Lubricant.’ Sometimes ‘Power Bottle.’ Why? An amazing erection WITHIN SEVERAL SECONDS is guaranteed to you! Double-strengthed orgasm and full satisfaction.”
    Both “Can I Make It Up to You?” and “One Last Question” are spam subject lines for this message: “Did you know you could discreetly order Viagra over the Internet? You don’t have to go through all the problems of getting it in a local pharmacy store or explaining your problems to the doctor.” And then there was this charming misleader: “Enlarge your Bank Account 2-3 inches in days.”

    Okay, so now all these horny men have gigantic penises and also the medical means to help them defy gravity and become oh so erect, but there’s simply nobody around with whom to share these huge hard-ons. That’s where Internet porn—a $10 billion industry—comes to the rescue.
    â€œAmateur Girls Never Before Seen” . . . “Fresh hot assets” . . . “Drunk party babes” . . . “Wow—Screwing Machines” . . . “Bondage at Mistress Shaved’s Nasty Fetish Club” . . . “Pussies Getting Slammed” . . . “Pregnant Girls Getting Laid!” . . . “Look inside a pussy with our dildo-cam” . . . “watch this girl get her poousy lips get parted with a tongue” . . . “Big Clits—Monster Clits” . . . “enter this place and you willl see hard nipples and pink beavers” . . . “I have a multi-colored bush for you to see” . . . “The Executive’s Dream”—(your secretary is a dirty little thing, and wants your Man Meat!)
    â€œHey, psst , you wanna see some nice breasts? Try these for size: “All we have are Breasts!” . . . “Do You Like Tits”—(100,000+ pics of big titty girls) . . . “Big Huge Breasts” . . . “Melon size boobies” . . . “Jumbo Juggy Jugs” . . . “Big juicy titties” . . . “Petite Little Boobs . . .”
    How about interracial? “Choked white whores used as black cum recepticals” . . . “White Ladies and Dark Meat Look of Pain!” Or what about international? “Nasty Asian sex” . . . “Viet Yummy” . . . “Latin girls getting fucked” . . . “Re: travel plans”—(We’ve got girls from countries all over Asia spreading their pink pussies) . . . “I put the stalian back in Italian. . . .”
    Do you prefer four-legged friends? “Watch me fuck a poodle” . . . “Oh my God, I had S-E-X With My Dog!” . . . “Meet Harvey the pussy eating wonder dog!” . . . “Teen takes a horse dong deep inside her flower” . . . “She takes the 20 inch horse pole” . . . “The real farm movie they tried to ban”—(guess Ramo’s [the horse’s] cock size and win a free ticket to the show)