Free Chasing Shadows by Liana Hakes-Rucker Page A

this kind of behavior.
Three: I could do this:
    “Fuck off!” I yell at the top of my lungs. I
kick at him. I miss, but I kick again, making contact with his shin
this time. I reach out and push him. “You commie prick!” I scream,
pushing and kicking with the cigarette between my teeth. I make to
smack him about the head and he runs off down the stairs I just
came up.
    “Crazy white bitch!” he yells over his
shoulder, but he’s still running.
    I smile, triumphant. Assault, makes a girl feel
pretty. Some of the other passengers are looking my way. I nod at
them and take a self satisfied drag. Fuck him, I think. Thought he
could intimidate me into giving him something I paid good money
for, mother fucker. The train is a few hundred yards off now,
rocking and rolling into the station. I still have half a smoke
left. I flick it onto the tracks as the train arrives. Why? Cause
fuck that guy, that’s why! Oh wait, shit. I forgot what I was
doing. Am I even supposed to get on this train? Damn I should’ve
waited for confirmation before chucking that Camel.
    The train pulls in and the doors open. Three or
four people get off of the car closest to me. I wait and watch. The
car is about half full. “Yes or no?” I whisper. I feel a push on my
back. Cool. I can do this. I get in long before the doors close,
and am able to snag the forward facing seat at the rear of the car.
It’s the one with the sideways seat in front of it so I can prop my
legs up. Awesome. I look out the window onto the platform. The bum
has emerged from the stairwell. He makes to come onto my train car.
I catch his eye through the window and jump to my feet with my
crazy face, opening my arms wide like ‘what?’
    He pretends he doesn’t see me and bustles on
down to the next car. I am a rock star! Also I am a bully, but he
started it. I told him ‘no’ very nicely three times. And he touched me, mother fucker. I take a deep breath and settle
in for the ride. I don’t anticipate seeing any more shades until I
get to my stop, wherever that is. I sort of wish I’d brought my ear
buds.
    ***
    Back and forth, back and forth, the El jostles
me lethargically. I’m the last one in this car and I’m starting to
wonder if I missed it somewhere. I haven’t seen any shadow that’s
not my own since I got on the beast. There are only two more stops
between here and the end of the line. It’s too warm in here. I’m
starting to get sea sick. I’m thirsty. I want a cigarette. Bitch,
bitch, moan. Suck it up self.
    The train lumbers to a stop on an abandoned
platform. I stand up to be near to the door, needing to feel the
frosty air on my face. As I get there, my leg catches on nothing
visible. I completely loose my balance and fall out of the train
onto my hands and knees. Well, that was rude. The first thing I do
is look around to see if anyone saw me. Now I pull myself up and
wipe my hands off on my jeans. I take a deep breath of the cold air
and realize my knees sting. That’ll probably be real pretty later.
Flash of getting knee bruises for other, better reasons. Flash of
Qasim holding me against the wall... Stop it brain! Jesus H Christ,
do not jones for fucking Mickey Mouse. You don’t even know the
guy.
    I turn in a full circle, checking out the
platform as the train pulls away. All the way up at the north end
of the station is a stairwell that leads to a turn style at street
level. As I look at it, the lights flicker. There’s my sign. I head
that way and exit the station in a part of town I’ve never been to.
Its all parking lots and office buildings, warehouses and highway
overpasses. At least there’s lots of colorful graffiti to brighten
it up. Awesome. I won’t have to call my social worker in the
morning because I’ll be dead.
    The snow continues to pelt down, whipping
around my head. It’s pretty. Maybe it’ll be too cold for the
mini-gangsters. The grown up ones drive cars right? So I’ll just
have to remember to duck out of sight