Free Christmas Daisy by Christine Bush

High…”  It was powerful.
    When they got to the chorus,  Hannah hesitated a beat, nervousness showing.  But then she opened her mouth, and jumped in.  Her eyes were wide, and she kept her death grip on Daisy’s hand.  This time through, realizing she was in the spotlight, she was a little self conscious.  But like the trooper she obviously was, she threw herself into the chorus, her voice filling the room. 
    “ Gloorrr- orrrr-  orrr- I- a. In Excelcius Deo…… “
    The whole cast sang the next verse and the last chorus together. The carol ended with a breathtaking finale.  When the last note rang, the group stood silently on stage. 
    The silence was palpable, like the whole cast was holding their collective breath.  And then  they burst into  a collective cheer, applauding, hooting and hollering.
    Daisy closed her eyes, aware of the cascade of feelings that ran through her heart, so strong they even reverberated through her body.    She felt the beauty of the song. She felt the joy and courage of the little girl hanging onto her hand. She also felt  an unexpected glimmer of her old Christmas spirit, that ancient childish excitement she had felt for so much of her childhood.  But immediately upon realizing it, the feeling was scary, and uncomfortable, ripping at her heart.  And like a door shutting firmly in her mind,  the feeling was blocked out as quickly as it had come.  And then she felt only the much more recent and  familiar feeling of loss and pain. Her knees felt suddenly weak, and her throat closed.  Her aversion to Christmas flowed through her like a flood, washing out the good feelings, and leaving more devastation than she knew what to do with in its path.
     
    ****
    Ben stood in front of the stage, directing the final song of the last dress rehearsal.  He felt a surge of pride fill his chest, watching the students as they belted out their last song.  Awesome. 
    But then, his gaze went back to Daisy, standing on the edge of the angel choir. He knew how hard it had been the past few weeks as she had  been exposed to all the Christmas music and fervor.  He knew she did her best.  He knew she was a dedicated professional.  But he knew the pageant had taken it s toll.  Her face  looked drawn, there were new circles under her eyes.  While he was thrilled for the kids’ experience in the pageant, and the great success for the school and the community he knew it would be, he would be glad for Daisy when the pageant and the holiday had passed.
    Ben wanted her to heal.  He wanted her to find peace and acceptance of her pain. But he had no idea how to help her.  He was a realist, and life had taught him a lot about grief.  It took its own time.  And sometimes it took forever.  That was a painful thought.
    With his watchful gaze, he saw the moment where the feelings had overwhelmed her.  She had been coping one minute, then ..not.   The song had ended, and the cast burst into excited applause. And then he saw Daisy Donovan burst into tears. It wasn’t the loud and sobbing kind of reaction.  He knew she probably hadn’t made a single sound noticeable to the happy crowd around her.  But looking directly at her, seeing the pain in her eyes, the quivering of her lips, fighting hard to be stoic, he knew.  And then , in the reflection from the bright spotlights trained on the stage, he could see the glistening in her eyes, and even the tracks of tears running down her pained face.
    While it was easy to see the reverie and celebration of a great final rehearsal for the pageant, at that moment, his heart cared only for the blonde angel on the stage. He watched her turn away from the crowd, and make a hasty exit off the stage and out the side door of the auditorium. He wanted to kick himself for encouraging her to take part in the pageant, no matter how much he had needed her.  Ben had never, ever, wanted to cause her so much pain.
    The crowd dispersed, costumes flying as they