Free Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg Page A

Kendra, I understand your trying to help and that you think I’m not evil or whatever, but I completely disagree with you. And as long as we’re “explaining” ourselves, let me explain MYSELF, okay? First of all, I read a little bit about the “Tudman” guy and I don’t think I’m being like him at ALL. And, if anything, YOU GUYS are being like Milosevic, like conspiring against me in your dark ivory tower back in New Jersey. I’m literally just up here trying to focus on my dancing and I’m enjoying myself for the first time and feeling like I might be good at something and that’s not a crime. If I WAS like a former Yugoslavian republic, then I’d be Slovenia, which I just looked up, because they were trying to get some independence without screwing anything up. And that’swhat I’m trying to do here at ballet camp, just have some fun and get some freedom without screwing up the relationship with your brother. And then YOURE BEING like Milosevic and the Yugoslav People’s Army, storming Ljubljana with YPA troops as though what I’m doing is so bad.
    And as for paolo, who I’m NOT defending: he is not as bad as Milosevic! That’s not fair. He may be flirtatious, but that’s just part of his culture . And nothing is happening between us. If anything, he’s like former Speaker of the Croatian Parliament, President Stjepan Mesić: harmless.
    KENDRA: Harmless? I am literally ROFL, Amy! Mesić was an UstaÅ¡e apologist(!) and a severely corrupt leader of an already corrupt state, with a shoddy presidential campaign bankrolled by the Albanian Mafia! Maybe if you did less dancing in your little bird costume (hope PETA doesn’t come to the show!) and more studying about Central European post-Soviet conflict zones, you would know what you were talking about!
    AMY: First of all, I’m a vegan (unlike your saintly/victimized little brother) so don’t get me started about PETA. Second of all, Mesić was never convicted of any corruption charges related to his campaign, so don’t go throwing around accusations like their convictions. 2
    KENDRA: Apologies for my tangential comments about yourbird costume. It actually sounds nice (I love sequins on anything!) and I commend you for your vegan lifestyle, which is a diet I support but struggle to personally implement.
    AMY: Thanks for your apology re: my costume (I love sequens too!!!) As for your diet, you should try quinoia with a light soy sauce, unless you’re gluten free?
    KENDRA: No, I’m not gluten free (anymore!). I was for like three months. Lost eight pounds! Then found it again. ;-(
    AMY: Hate that! ANYWAY. Regarding Paolo, yes I am spending time with him and YES, I think he’s attractive, but that doesn’t mean I’m like cheating on your brother, who by the way, would do the SAME THING, if the roles were reversed. Like if Radovan Karadžić had gone to school in Å kofja Loka and Jože Pučnik in Banja Luka—I don’t think Jože would exactly be walking around Eurozone meetings right now giving double cheek kisses to Christine Lagarde! What would Slavoj Žižek say about your moral absolutism?
    KENDRA: Hmm. Žižek would probably be unimpressed with my impractical strivings for a false post-Marxist utopia.
    AMY: And another thing! If you think Alija Izetbegović was a benign victim maybe you should read his 1970 manifesto Islamic Declaration , which I just downloaded in PDF. It has eerily similar passages to emails that your brother has sent me—Izetbegović calling for the modernization of Bosnia only in conjunction with the teachings of the Qur’an and your brother calling for me to meet him after school only if I agree to bowling (whichI hate doing and which he knows because it hurts my thumbs!)
    KENDRA: Dear Amy, your points are insightful, valid, and ultimately well researched. (I did not know about the bowling