Free Phoenix Rising by Cynthia D. Grant

metal!
    Lucas’s eyes blazed. He’d play it any damn way he liked! It was supposed to sound joyful! It was called “Joy to the World”! Joy, Dad, get it?
    I hid in the living room. Mom dragged Dad downstairs. They drove off to buy a Christmas tree. I wanted to talk to my brother, but he was so angry, I was afraid.
    When they left I thought he’d turn up the amp so high it would blow the house to kingdom come. But he didn’t. He got out his old acoustic guitar and began to play the same carol, picking out the tune as if plucking each note from the anthem of creation; the sound the earth makes as it spins in the dark, the song of the stars in heaven.
    Halfway up the stairs I sat down and listened to Lucas serenade our sister.

11
    April 26
    My hair is falling out. My face is puffy. I am ugly. I am so ugly .
    Bambi told Bloomfield I am wearing a wig. She told him I have cancer .
    I am never coming out of this bedroom again. I don’t even want the family to see me .
    I have put off writing down what has happened. When I see the words on paper, I’ll know they’re true. I don’t want to think about it. I want to pretend it never happened .
    What’s the use? Bambi told Bloomfield I have cancer. The words fell out of her big mouth. She keeps calling me up to apologize, and came over here yesterday with boohoo eyes. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” As if that makes any difference .
    The carriage is a pumpkin. The bubble has shattered. The instant of enchantment is gone .
    It’s been over a week since I heard from Bloomfield. I’ll probably never hear from him again .
    Jessie wants to kill him. She wants to burn down his house. “That bastard,” she says. “You’re too good for him, Helen.”
    Yes, I’m such a prize, with my yellow eyes and my threadbare teddy bear hair .
    When he called me up, I already knew what had happened, because Bambi told Jessie and Jessie told me .
    I should’ve told him the truth a long time ago. So both of us are phonies. Just illusions .
    He said, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while, Helen, but I didn’t know how to say it.”
    â€œSay what?” My vocal chords were stiff. The words sounded like chunks of wood .
    â€œThings are getting a little too intense with you and me.”
    â€œIntense?” I said. “What do you mean?”
    â€œLike when we went to the beach.… I really like you, Helen.”
    â€œSo that’s why you’re calling me up to say good-bye? Because you like me so much?” I sounded mean .
    He said, “I’m not ready to settle down with one person.”
    â€œNo kidding.” I laughed. “You think I am? I’m eighteen.”
    â€œThat’s what I mean. I’m not ready to go steady. I think it would be good if we saw some other people. For a while.”
    â€œDo you have anybody in mind?” Everybody knows Cheryl Prentiss still wants him. She’s made that very clear to me .
    He sighed. “I didn’t call you up to argue, Helen.”
    â€œNo, you called me up to say so long. This has nothing to do with my cancer, right?”
    Dead silence .
    â€œBambi told me she told you,” I said. “What’s the matter; don’t you like bald women?”
    â€œHelen—”
    â€œForget it. Just forget it.”
    â€œI’m sorry.”
    â€œI don’t want you to be sorry! I don’t need your pity!”
    â€œThis has nothing to do with your illness,” Bloomfield said .
    â€œOh bullshit,” I said. “That’s a lie.”
    â€œTalk about liars! You never told me the truth!”
    â€œBecause I knew you’d do what you’re doing right now! I knew you’d bail out!”
    â€œI’m not bailing out! I just need a little space!”
    â€œYou can take all the space you want, Bloomfield! You can take all the space in the universe! I don’t want