Free Scotland’s Jesus: The Only Officially Non-racist Comedian by Frankie Boyle Page B

with a pillow so he’s no longer a burden on them.
    After weeks of riots, Greece was burning. Troubling times, but it must have smelt gorgeous. Our rioters were criticised for stealing things rather than making political points; the Greeks burnt down Starbucks. I actually have more respect for our rioters coming away with more than pride and a travel mug. It’s sad to see the inventors of democracy doing so badly at it – it’s much like watching the English play football.
    In their election, Greece had no clear winning party and was reluctant to form a coalition. It’s quite something when a country of homeless people setting fire to bins don’t want to make the same mistakes as the UK. The Greek parties say a coalition would be a tragedy. This is a country that defines tragedy as pulling out your eyes in exile after killing your father – the difference being that with our coalition you’d be expected to work through your blindness and set up a co-operative to bury your father.
    I’ve always said that their outgoing prime minister Papademos wasn’t good with finances. Ever since 1993, when band-mate Pliers made off with all the royalties from their hit ‘Tease Me’. I’ll admit I’d no idea the Golden Dawn were a Greek neo-Nazi party. Especially as for the last five years that’s where I’ve been getting my lemon chicken and spring rolls from.
    The £110 billion bailout to save Greece was called a failure hours after it was signed off. A sad day. Greece used to be a proud and progressive country, just 2,400 short years ago. The IMF are worried about economic growth – to be fair, it’s quite hard to go shopping when a balaclava-clad teenager has just thrown a petrol bomb through the menswear department.
    Greece invented maths, democracy, homosexuality and philosophy. Then nothing for a long time. Now they just break plates. They’re like a genius who’s had a mental breakdown. I think a big problem is that one of their main industries is smoking under trees, while a feral cat scratches their chair leg. Everything there is now up for privatisation. I want to buy Lesbos because I’ve got an idea for a theme park. Of course, not everybody’s suffering in Greece; at least there are now a couple of teargas billionaires.
    British tourists have slept with so many Greeks the whole country is now officially considered an ‘ex’. We’ve got a bunch of their stuff, they owe us money. And there’s more of our spunk in their sewers than in every sperm bank in the UK.
    Angela Merkel was greeted by thousands of angry protesters when she arrived in Greece. There was an awkward moment when protesters picked up bricks and petrol bombs – then started running around trying to find something that hadn’t yet been vandalised. Fortunately, the majority of Athens’s most valuable treasures weren’t affected – as the riots didn’t come very close to the British Museum. The only comfort in seeing the greatest civilisation the world has ever known crumble into decay is the knowledge that one day the same fate will befall America.
    It’s quite sad, really – we’re threatening Greece to accept our help when they yearn to be strong and independent, as if we’re forcing a £50 note into the bloodied, trembling hand of a sobbing teenage prostitute. It’s a shame that China will finally take over Europe by buying it as I was rather looking forward to seeing the attack formations of their swarms of robotic bees. Greece, if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you’re eating egg foo young out of a pitta bread.
    Actually, I’ll be interested to see what happens – round my way every place that goes bankrupt gets turned into a pound shop. Greece could end up being 50,000 square miles of scourer sponges and Pritt Sticks.
    In Cyprus people were unable to withdraw money, mainly because there were fifteen camera crews standing in front of every bank. A Cypriot MP said Cyprus was being raped by Europe; then once