Free Ubu Plays, The by Alfred Jarry

Ubu Cocu was adapted for radio by Martin Esslin and first broadcast on the BBC Third Programme on 21st December 1965 with the following cast:

     
    Produced by Martin Esslin. Music by John Beckett.

Act One
     

SCENE ONE
     
    ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you, I’ve no grounds to be dissatisfied with my polyhedra; they breed every six weeks, they’re worse than rabbits. And it’s also quite true to say that the regular polyhedra are the most faithful and most devoted to their master, except that this morning the Icosahedron was a little fractious, so that I was compelled, look you, to give it a smack on each of its twenty faces. And that’s the kind of language they understand. And my thesis, look you, on the habits of polyhedra - it’s getting along nicely, thank you, only another twenty-five volumes!

SCENE TWO
     
    ACHRAS, a FLUNKEY.
     
    FLUNKEY. Sir, there’s a bloke out here as wants a word with you. He’s pulled the bell out with his ringing, and he’s broken three chairs trying to sit down. (He gives ACHRAS a card.)
    ACHRAS. What’s all this? Herr Ubu, sometime King of Poland and Aragon, professor of pataphysics. That makes no sense at all. What’s all that about ? Pataphysics! Well, never mind, he sounds like a person of distinction. I should like to make a gesture of goodwill to this visitor by showing him my polyhedra. Have the gentleman come up.

SCENE THREE
     
    ACHRAS, UBU in a travelling costume, carrying a suitcase.
     
    PA UBU. Hornstrumpot, Sir! What a miserable kind of hang-out you’ve got here: we’ve been obliged to tinkle away for more than an hour, and when your flunkeys at last make up their minds to let us in, we are confronted by such a miserable orifice that we are at a loss to understand how our strumpot managed to negotiate it.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this, excuse me. I was very far from expecting the visit of such a considerable personage ... otherwise, you can be sure I would have had the door enlarged. But you must forgive the humble circumstances of an old collector, who is at the same time, I venture to say, a famous scientist.
    PA UBU. Say that by all means if it gives you any pleasure, but remember that you are addressing a celebrated pataphysician.
    ACHRAS. Excuse me, Sir, you said?
    PA UBU. Pataphysician. Pataphysics is a branch of science which we have invented and for which a crying need is generally experienced.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this, if you’re a famous inventor, we’ll understand each other, look you, for between great men...
    PA UBU. A little more modesty, Sir! Besides, I see no great man here except myself. But, since you insist, I have condescended to do you a most signal honour. Let it be known to you, Sir, that your establishment suits us and that we have decided to make ourselves at home here.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this, look you ...
    PA UBU. We will dispense with your expressions of gratitude. And, by the way, I nearly forgot. Since it is hardly proper that a father should be separated from his children, we shall be joined by our family in the immediate future - Madam Ubu, together with our dear sons and daughters Ubu. They are all very quiet, decent, well-brought-up folk.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this, look you. I’m afraid ...
    PA UBU. We quite understand. You’re afraid of boring us. All right then, we’ll no longer tolerate your presence here except by our kind permission. One thing more, while we are inspecting the kitchens and the dining room, you will go and look for three packing cases which we have had deposited in the hall.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this - fancy even thinking of moving in like that on people. It’s a manifest imposture.
    PA UBU. A magnificent posture! Exactly, Sir, for once in your life you’ve spoken the truth.
    Exit ACHRAS.

SCENE FOUR
     
    PA UBU, then later, his CONSCIENCE.
     
    PA UBU. Have we any right to behave like this ? Hornstrumpot, by our green candle, let us consult our Conscience.