Free Ubu Plays, The by Alfred Jarry Page A

There he is, in this suitcase, all covered with cobwebs. As you can see, we don’t overwork him. (He opens the suitcase. His CONSCIENCE emerges in the guise of a tall, thin fellow in a shirt.)
    CONSCIENCE. Sir, and so on and so forth, be so good as to take a few notes.
    PA UBU. Excuse me, Sir, we are not very partial to writing, though we have no doubt that anything you say would be most interesting. And while we’re on the subject, we should like to know how you have the insolence to appear before us in your shirt tails ?
    CONSCIENCE, Sir, and so on and so forth, Conscience, like Truth, usually goes without a shirt. If I have put one on, it is as a mark of respect to the distinguished audience.
    PA UBU. As for that, Mister or Mrs Conscience, you’re making a fuss about nothing. Answer this question instead: would it be a good thing to kill Mister Achras who has had the audacity to come and insult me in my own house?
    CONSCIENCE. Sir, and so on and so forth, to return good with evil is unworthy of a civilised man. Mister Achras has lodged you; Mister Achras has received you with open arms and made you free of his collection of polyhedra; Mister Achras, and so forth, is a very fine fellow and perfectly harmless; it would be a most cowardly act, and so forth, to kill a poor old man who is incapable of defending himself.
    PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! Mister Conscience, are you so sure that he can’t defend himself?
    CONSCIENCE. Absolutely, Sir, so it would be a coward’s trick to do away with him.
    PA UBU. Thank you, Sir, we shan’t require you further. Since there’s no risk attached, we shall assassinate Mister Achras, and we shall also make a point of consulting you more frequently for you know how to give us better advice than we had anticipated. Now, into the suitcase with you! (He closes it again.)
    CONSCIENCE. In which case, Sir, I think we shall have to leave it at that, and so on and so forth, for today.

SCENE FIVE
     
    PA UBU, ACHRAS, the FLUNKEY.
     
    Enter ACHRAS, backwards, prostrating himself with terror before the three red packing cases pushed by the FLUNKEY.
     
    PA UBU (to the FLUNKEY). Off with you, sloven. And you, Sir, I want a word with you. I wish you every kind of prosperity and I entreat you, out of the kindness of your heart, to perform a friendly service for me.
    ACHRAS. Anything, look you, which you can reasonably demand from an old professor who has given up sixty years of his life, look you, to studying the habits of polyhedra.
    PA UBU. Sir, we have learned that our virtuous wife, Madam Ubu, is most abominably deceiving us with an Egyptian, by the name of Memnon, who combines the functions of a clock at dawn with driving of a sewage truck at night, and in the daytime presents himself as cornutator of our person. Hornstrumpot! We have decided to wreak the most terrible vengeance.
    ACHRAS. As far as that goes, look you, Sir, as to being a cuckold I can sympathise with you.
    PA UBU. We have resolved, then, to inflict a severe punishment. And we can think of nothing more appropriate to chastise the guilty, in this case, than ordeal by Impalement.
    ACHRAS. Excuse me, I still don’t see very clearly, look you, how I can be of any help.
    PA UBU. By our green candle, Sir, since we have no wish for the execution of our sentence to be bungled, we should esteem it as a compliment if a person of your standing were to make a preliminary trial of the Stake, just to make sure that it is functioning with maximum efficiency.
    ACHRAS. Oh but it’s like this, look you, not on your life. That’s too much. I regret, look you, that I can’t perform this little service for you, but it’s quite out of the question. You’ve stolen my house from me, look you, you’ve told me to bugger off, and now you want to put me to death, oh no, that’s going too far.
    PA UBU. Don’t distress yourself, my good friend. It was only our little joke. We shall return when you have quite recovered your composure.
     
    Exit PA