Free Mr. Dixon disappears: a mobile library mystery by Ian Sansom

Linda.'
    'Yes, well. Let's not rush to judgement, eh? If you wouldn't mind looking at the report and then…'
    'Yes?'
    'Reporting back.'
    'OK. If you want me to. That's fine.'
    Linda took a long thoughtful slug of her herbal tea.
    'Anyway, that was one thing,' she said. 'Point one.'
    'Yes?'
    'And the other…Point two. Is…'
    'Yes?'
    'Is that a suit you're wearing, Mr Armstrong?'
    'Yes.'
    'Hmm. It's…It's smarter, certainly. But maybe a little long in the…'
    'Yes.'
    'Anyway. Where were we?'
    'Point two.'
    'Point two?' Linda stared at Israel. 'Egg on your chin?'
    'Mmm. Yes. Sorry.' Israel wiped it away. 'That was Point two?'
    'No! Silly. Point two? Ah, yes! You're in trouble again, I hear.'
    'Ah, yes, well—' began Israel.
    'Ah, yes, well,' interrupted Linda, who had developed an annoying habit of imitating the way Israel spoke. Ted did it as well, and George. It was like having gone to a new school in a new town and being bullied by the locals, but because Linda was a Chinese Northern Irish woman Israel didn't feel he could reciprocate; and besides, his only Northern Irish accent was a Gerry Adams, which was pretty wide of the mark for a Chinese Northern Irish woman from North Antrim. So he just smiled in response. 'Go on,' said Linda.
    So, Israel explained to Linda what he knew about the theft at the department store and Mr Dixon's disappearance, and the fact that his fingerprints were on all the safes, and how they'd come to be there.
    Between sips of her tea Linda fixed Israel with a hard stare.
    'Well, Mr Armstrong, I'm afraid I do have to ask you this question.'
    'Right. Yes.'
    'As your line manager, you understand. I have a responsibility.'
    'Yes. Fine, Linda. Go ahead. Ask away.'
    'Did you steal the money from Dixon and Pickering's?'
    'No, Linda. Of course I didn't steal the bloody money from Dixon and f—'
    'Mr Armstrong!'
    'Sorry. No, of course I didn't steal the—'
    'And you know nothing about the disappearance of Mr Dixon?'
    'No! I'm a fu—'
    Linda merely raised a finger at this threatened obscenity.
    'Fun-loving librarian,' said Israel.
    'Well, you understand that I had to ask.'
    'Oh, yes. That's fine, you and everyone else assuming I did it because I'm—'
    'I was simply asking, Mr Armstrong.'
    'Yes, sure. Because you're Perry bloody Mason, aren't you?'
    'I beg your—'
    'You know, Linda, I have spent all morning with—'
    'What did you say?'
    'I was saying, I have spent all morning—'
    'No. Before that.'
    'What?'
    'You said I was like Perry bloody Mason.'
    'Well, yes, I—'
    'I resent the implication, Mr Armstrong.'
    'What implication?' said Israel.
    'Clearly, I am not a man,' said Linda.
    'No one said you were a man, Linda.'
    'And I am certainly not a bearded man.'
    'I didn't say you were a bearded man.'
    'Or an overweight bearded man.'
    'Linda, come on, it was a—'
    'Joke?'
    'Exactly.'
    'Well, I'm afraid many of us here don't seem to share your fancy London sense of humour, Mr Armstrong.'
    'No. That's right,' said Israel. 'You don't. Because everyone in this bloody country has had a sense of humour bypass.'
    'Thank you, Mr Armstrong. Less of your racial stereotyping would be appreciated,' said Linda. 'But anyway.' She took another–unconvinced–sip of her herbal tea, and fixed Israel with a stare. 'I'm afraid given the seriousness of the charges we're going to have to suspend you from your duties.'
    Israel was having trouble following Linda's logic: he wasn't guilty of anything, after all.
    'But—'
    'With immediate effect,' said Linda.
    'From now?'
    'That's correct. That's why I've had to call you in today. That's what immediate effect usually means over here , Mr Armstrong, in this bloody country. I don't know if it carries a different meaning over in England's green and pleasant land?'
    'No. It doesn't. It means the same.'
    'Well then.'
    'Suspended with immediate effect.'
    Linda waved a finger at him, in dismissal.
    'But—'
    'There's nothing I can do about it, Mr Armstrong, I'm afraid.'
    'But I