Free The Suicide Diary by Kirsten Rees Page B

little…accident-prone.” He stumbled over the word as if he wasn’t so sure of that now.
    “But tonight...he...I saw the look in his eyes. Nina, why would you stay with him?" He stared at me with genuine concern.
    I felt sorry for Anthony; I would have hugged him if I didn't think it would hurt so much. The evening was coming back to me in flashes. I had gone to the party with Chris, nothing new there. He was drinking with his friends and chatting to a very beautiful girl I didn’t recognise while I sat with a few others. But when one of the girls started strumming on a guitar, more and more people began to join our little circle and soon people were singing along.
    When I went to the bathroom some time later, Chris must have followed me, and when I came out I recalled he pushed me into one of the rooms. His face was so close to mine that his nose pressed against my cheek and his fingers gripped tightly into my arms. It wasn't the first time I'd pushed him to such anger; I always tried to be careful around him but he was sensitive and his mood swings were unpredictable. I knew this, but every now and then I would slip up and say or do something that would upset him.
    Afterwards he was the sweetest, most attentive boyfriend a girl could wish for. He would kiss me and apologise over and over again, describing exactly what it was that I had done to set him off.
    This time felt different and his anger only intensified. ‘ What was I doing, why was I embarrassing him, how dare I flirt with his friends ?’ His questions came out like one, long, bitter statement and I spluttered apologies but he wasn't listening, just gripping tighter and tighter until I could feel his nails digging into my flesh. As I tried to scramble from his grip, he suddenly let me go and sent me tumbling on to the bed.
    Before I could react his fists were knocking every breath from me. Trying to get away, I fell onto the floor into a corner since he stood between myself and the door. I felt the pain instantly as his foot impacted with my ribs. My strength left me and I stayed on the floor just waiting for him to get it all out.
    It wasn't the first time he had raised his hand to me but this was the angriest I'd ever seen him - this time he wasn't gentle afterwards, he was still angry, even in the dim light I could see it in his eyes.
    "You stupid, little whore." he said.
    He leaned down and pulled me roughly up to face him and sat us on the bed. His kisses weren't quite so soft, they were...eager and I knew suddenly what he wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to be with him, I wasn't sure I could even stand the pain of his hands on my bruised body again.
    Those damn tears welled up in my eyes again as I tried to move away from him. He kept me held tightly on the bed, using his free hand to undo my jeans. His lips were on my neck again, kissing, biting me and I couldn't stop him.
    “No” I whispered into the darkness and inside I screamed silently as his body moved over mine. And that was the moment light had spilled into the room and lit up behind Anthony's head like a halo.
     
    Unable to quell the uneasy feeling in his stomach Alex threw the notebook down and ran to the bathroom where he leaned over the toilet and brought up sick. He wiped his mouth in frustration, angry at his own body for being so weak when he wanted to be strong. He had never felt so violent toward a person before, especially someone he had never met. Alex wanted to beat this guy; he imagined kicking and punching him as Chris had done to Nina. For a few minutes he sat on the cool floor savouring his thoughts. But that was all he could spare for the violent fantasies - he had to know what happened next.
     
    There was nothing I could say to explain what had gone on in that room or all the times before. I couldn't even explain it to myself.
    All I could say to Anthony was "I'm sorry you were dragged into this, it was my fault."
    "Sorry, you're sorry that your boyfriend (he almost