Free I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I Want to be Your Class by Josh Lieb

changed my mind. Mr. Pinckney put me on the ballot. Now I’m running for president.”
     
    “You never told me that!” screams Mom, who is driven to her feet by the force of this momentous news. “You never told me!” She rushes around the table to hug and kiss me something delightfully awful. I will be sore tomorrow.
     
    Daddy spits the macaroni he’s sucking on into his napkin. “That’s . . . terrific, son.”
     
    “I’m gonna be somebody ’portant. Just like you, Daddy!”
     
    “Erm . . . yes. Well, try not to count your chickens too fast. It’s a long road from nomination to election day.”
     
    “ Of course, he’ll win !” shrieks Mom, who emphasizes this statement of confidence by biting my right ear. “O f course, he will ! Who could vote against Oliver? Who would dare? !”
     
    My father takes a long drink of water. “Erm . . . of course. Obviously we would vote for him, dear,” he says, looking none too sure about that. “I just don’t want Ollie to be disappointed if he doesn’t—Marlene, the boy needs to breathe.”
     
    Mom relaxes her hold on my neck, barely. I suck in some much-needed O 2 . Just in time too—another few seconds and one of my bodyguards would have burst through the window to remove her. And that would have been hard to explain.
     
    After some coaxing, Mom is convinced to return to her seat. She sits there now, tears streaming down her jiggling cheeks as she stuffs macaroni into her smiling maw.
     
    Daddy gives me a reassuring tap on the hand. “Son, what you’re doing is very brave. Probably braver than you even know. So, uh . . . good . . . erm . . . luck.”
     
    I fix him with a demonic smile. “I’m gonna be just like you, Daddy. Just like you .”
     
    My father turns his head aside and coughs into his fist.
     
    “Mmb mmbm mmmbbm,” says Mom, through her mouth full of gluey pasta. It takes a son’s ears to decipher her words:
     
    “Of course, he will.”

Chapter 12:
    A PHONE CALL TO THE LUXURIA CORPORATION 54 CUSTOMER SERVICE HELP LINE.
    ( Ringing, then a click )
     
    OPERATOR : Customer service. This call may be monitored. How may I assist you?
    MAN : Hi. Uh . . . I have a . . . Are you guys . . .
     
    ( Awkward silence )
     
    OPERATOR : Are you still there, sir?
    MAN : Yeah. It’s just that . . . I have kind of a strange question.
    OPERATOR : There are no strange questions when it comes to customer satisfaction.
    MAN : Yeah. Okay. Well, the thing is . . . are you guys putting messages on the cigarettes?
    OPERATOR : Messages?
    MAN : I mean, not on every cigarette. Just on some of them.
    OPERATOR : If you’re referring to the Surgeon General’s Warning, that’s on the outside of the—
    MAN : No, it’s not that. These are messages printed on the cigarettes.
    OPERATOR : Printed?
    MAN : Typed.
    OPERATOR : How would you type on a cigarette?
    MAN : I don’t know.
    OPERATOR : What sort of messages are they, sir?
    MAN : Kind of like mean fortune cookies. About, uh . . . maybe changing your deodorant. Or starting a new diet.
    OPERATOR : Uh-huh.
    MAN : I got one today. It says, “ IT’S PRONOUNCEDNA- BO -KOV .” 55
    OPERATOR : It says what?
    MAN : He was a writer. It tells you how to say his name. Look, I still have it. I can send it to you.
    OPERATOR : Why would you do that?
    MAN : To show you it’s typed on!
    OPERATOR : I’m confused. Are you trying to sell us a typewriter that types on cigarettes? If so, you should contact business affairs. Their hours are—
    MAN : You really don’t know what I’m talking about.
    OPERATOR : I’m afraid not.
     
    ( Sound of man cursing under his breath )
     
    OPERATOR : Um, sir, forgive me for asking, but are you on any sort of medication that might be altering your perception of reality—
    MAN : I’m not on any medication!
    OPERATOR . I see. So you’re off your medication. Is there a doctor or family member you can contact—
     
    ( End of call )

Chapter 13:
    THWARTED
    Something strange is going on